Oct. 29, '96

Back to what happened at the Fiscalia. The guy was incredibly rude to us. We were there for, maybe, 30 seconds.

"Quien la mato'?"

"No sabemos" blah blah blah.

Very rude to us. When we told him we knew she didn't kill herself, he said "Eso ya sabemos" and closed the door. Real nice guy. I'm starting to get the feeling we may never know what happened to her. My students from the fiscalia tell me that, yes, it's being investigated. But, for some reason, I don't think this guy could care less. I do understand how he needs to be detatched from it, but so fucking rude! We went to see Dona Elena later that day, and she said he's basically treated her the same way. It isn't so important how he treats us, but she just lost her daughter for God's sake! Another thing Stella (the fiscalia student) said was if they feel they can't solve it, they just move on to something that is "easier." Can you believe that? Amazing. Just thinking about it now makes me angry. When Alex and I went that day, we practically couldn't speak to each other. Speechless. I don't know if I've been like that in a long time.

Probably not since my Mom told me about her and Jack, now that I think about it.

But, today, has been good, too. Alex had her interview at the embassy today. She got her visa! We leave on Nov. 21 and return on Jan. 10. Awesome. I'm definitely ready for a vacation.

Looks like I have to record this weekend. Possibly 6 hours. Combined with the four we did last Sunday, I should get 90,000 pesos (before tax). I figure I should probably clear at least 70. All that $$ goes straight to bills. But, at least I'm slowly moving out of debt. Finally.

Oct. 25

Wow, haven't visited here in awhile. Everything sucks now. In 6-8 (6b) and my students are shits today. Went to the fiscalia and that sucked too. More about that later. I'm reminded of a song:

Life is Shit
Life is Shit
The World is Shit
The World is shiiiiiittt

This is life as I know it ...

Aug 29, '96

Was just talking to one of my students and she told me about what my AD, Alfonso, was saying about me yesterday. Apparently something along the lines of, "Oh you're with This?!". This makes me angrier than I was yesterday. I don't know exactly what it was that he said, but now that I do, I will definitely clear it up. First, I'm talking to Tina and/or Patty. Then, he will be spoken to. Sometimes I am completely amazed at the bullshit that goes on here. Veronica, my student, was like, "he thinks he has dominio over the Colombo and everything." She went on to talk about how he humiliated her in class and this other shit. FUCK THIS GUY. I would kill him, but then I would be classified as the Bad Guy. I'll just have to tell him what an asshole he is and leave it at that. I won't stoop down to his level, however. I'm not going to run around talking shit, then I would be turning into what I'm despising most ... a chismoso.

In other news, we ordered TV Cable yesterday. Hopefully it'll be in by this weekend, just in time for the beginning of Football. I'm a bit concerned about the Gators. The QB depth looks bad (if Wuerffel goes down, Schottenheimer? 12 completions in 3 years?). Sept 21 in Tennessee will be the test. In the pros, the Redskins are supposedly much improved, but we'll see. I always have my doubts about that. Playoffs? Maybe?

Tomb in Tierradentro 

Aug. 27, '96

In class and I have a few minutes to kill. Still must finish about Tierradentro. The pictures actually turned out real well. Incredible. I want to blow some of them up to hang. Yes, they're that good.

Bad news. Mario Thomas, a teacher here, committed suicide two days ago. He jumped off his penthouse balcony 17 stories to his death. Apparently he left a note and all. Calculated. I didn't know him real well, but I feel bad all the same. But, at the same time, strangely detatched. I said this over and over last night.

I'm sorry Mario. I hope you've found what you were looking for.

Aug 18, 1996

Greetings from Tierradentro. I mean Really adentro (inside) I'm inside Tomb S-12 at the Loma de Segovia. It's 6.10 metros deep. The feeling being in here is incredible. I dont' know if I can describe it. Almost like you're not on this planet. It's really as if you're in another world. The stairs down are incredible too. One column is broken, and you can only see the base. The other has black squares with red inside. Seven inches. All the nichos have the same face. #8 is supposedly twice this size. It's real damp in here. Not like a hot humid, but a cold humid. If that's possible. Think we're going up now. I'll definitely be waiting more about this later.

Aug 17, '96

It's 6:30 AM in Tierradentro (never was a place so aptly named). Saw two sites yesterday. Lots of walking (up and down mountains and all). More ont hat later. Alex and I are getting ready to go to El Aguacate which is another site. Around 30 tombs, we're told. On top of this huge fucking mountain. This is why, on vacation, we are up so early. Hopefully, we'll be there by 8. We'll see.

8:30 PM

Lots has happened. Right now, though, I'm high w/Alex and I'm getting my words for the day. Now in Spanish; on a door, it' s a "chapa"; on a frying pan, it's a "mango"; on a cooking pot, they're "orjeas"; and also oddly enough, it's an "orjea" on your coffee cup. Give up? It's a "handle" in English. One simple word. And they wonder why we find Spanish so hard.

Aug 15, '96

"I'm in Neiva." Alex said that. I believe her. We're on our way to Tierradentro, and are getting lunch, and waiting for the Colectivo to take us to La Plata. From there, we go to Tierradentro, but not until tomorrow morning. No idea what La Plata will be like, and we have lots more time there than we thought. More later. Lunch arrived.

Aug 5, 1996

News from the fiscalia. Cesar (the student in the wheelchair) spoke to Sandra (the other student) yesterday. She's the one that works in the medical part. According to her, they have it down as a suicide. She apparently shot herself on the right side of her head and it went out the other. They calculated the trajectory and all. But they're waiting for fingerprints and asking around. Fingerprints from what? I thought they didn't find a gun. None of this makes sense, and I don't know who or what to believe anymore. I should talk to Sandra tonight or tomorrow. Also, a man is apparently in custoduy. But, if he's in custody, why would it be called a suicide? Again, nothing makes sense anymore.

She also told Cesar to tell me that she was still alive when they brought her to Hospital Kennedy. I just asked him again and he said, "... habia llegado con vida" ... she arrived with life. I'm honestly in shock, that's the only word. I'm not telling this to Alex. Not yet. Not until I'm sure, and know how to handle this.

Aug 2, 1996

My student from the fiscalia hasn't returned to class, but Micahel talks to the police today. So we might know something. My hippie-chick neighbor used to investigate for the Fiscalia, I found out. So I'm going to talk to her, too. Have to find out.

Haz's mass was last night. Didn't go. Alex says Dona Elsa has asked about me a few more times. I should probably talk to her. didn't want to go to the mass. Didn't have time (left the studio at 5, rush hour -- the colectivo would've taken forever). Kinda woulda felt hypocritical, too. Not religious. I don't really pray. I don't know. Down here, they're into a huge acknowledgement of death, and I just kinda want time.

Michael is teaching the class right now. He's getting better, but needs to work on some stuff. He'll probably be OK, though. I hope so. One thing's for sure, he's definitely eager. He just told me I'm an excellent teacher, and he wants to pattern himself after me. That's a bit unnerving, but cool nonetheless. It's almost 7:45, class is ending. The page is ending, too. So this looks like as good a place as any to stop.

July 26, 1996

Today's Friday. It's been a few days since I last wrote. It's not for a lack of subjects, just a lack of motivation.

The funeral was on Tuesday, the 23rd. Didn't get to the funeral home until 8:30 or so. (I had to go to DAS in the morning and it took awhile). They closed the casket around 2:30 to bring her to the church. They had most of the people leave, while the family said Goodbye. Alex stayed. I gave Alex a picture of her and I in San Agustin, and wrote on the back, Haz, para que simpre estemos juntos. Te queremos and te extranamos. Alex said she put it over her heart. I'm glad she has it.

Then we went to the church. They took us in busetas. It was only a few blocks away. The service lasted for about 30 mins or so. Then we made teh 30-45 minute trip to the cemetery.

This is the part where I lost it. As they were carrying her in, they open the casket again to say Goodbye for the last time. Then, they put the casket in and buried her. With all of us there. Never seen anything like it in my life. I lost it. Alex was OK, until I did that. Shaking, crying, it was horrible. Thtat just demonstrated the finality of it. Then I just stared at her grave for awhile as the people slowly left. Quiet. Never seen 150 people (more or less, I swear she knew the entire city) so quiet. Said goodbye to her mom, Dona Elsa, and we left.

Something strange had happened with Dona Elsa these past few days. She knew who I was. She knew my name. I had only met her once. Alex says that Haz talked about me alot. That she loved me very much (Alex said, "Ella te queria mucho, Mark"). Makes me feel good, but it also makes it that much more difficult. So many things I wish I had said to her, and now I can't. So many regrets. I've done nothing but think abou ther since. I guess that's normal, though. I don't know.

Now, I'm sitting here, waiting for the play rehearsal. My mind is not on this at all. Black July. That's what this is.

Alex is going to the cemetery tomorrow. Her friend Richard's birthday is tomorrow. So she wants to visit him. And her Mom, and Haz. Says she wants to be with her now. I understand, but I don't know if I can do that right now. It's too soon, and I'm not sure I'm ready tfor that. Fuck, who knows? It still hasn't really hit me. I mean, I know it's happened and all, but I don't think the reality of it has hit me just yet. I'm sure it will, and I'm scared to death of when it does.

We still don't know the details of what happened. A student from 2-4 works in the medical part of the Fiscalia, and says she'll be able to say something today. I got the name of the girl who is supposedly in custody yesterday, and give it to her, too. That might help her give me more info, but probably not utnil next week. My team teacher, Michael, does classes with the police, and he's going to ask today, too. Again, I'll reiterate the fact tha tI never realized what a big deal it is to know the full story until it happened to me. I've just got to know. As terrible as it may be, but it'll give me (and everyone else involved) some closure. It's strange how that is. I hate to say it, but I never thought something like this would happen to me.

More importantly, I never thought anything like this could happen to Hazbleydy.

Wheeee ... time for rehearsal. Fuck.

July 22, 1996

Sitting in my conversation building class. This is a good group. Good class. Not too into it today, though. It's all I can do to not think of Haz. And in this class, I don't really have to teach. So, my mind wanders.

I keep imagining her on the bathroom floor. Who did this? Why? What happened?! I simply can't understand this. Alex just said, "I still don't believe it." Me either. The viewing is today. I'll have no choice then. I don't know how I'm going to handle this at all. I can still feel her hand from the last time I saw her. Which hand? For some reason it's real important to me now. Why aren't they important then? Human nature, I guess. Humans suck. If only we were more aware of things when they truly are important.

Alex says that they have two girls at the Fiscalia since yesterday. I guess they were with her. What does that mean? Alex says one of them supposedly watched her kill herself in the bathroom. But, they found no gun. WHAT HAPPENED?! That makes suicide pretty improbable. This whole thing seems so impossible. I actually slapped myself last night, trying to wake up from this nightmare.

Bell rang.

UPDATE: Alex is telling me those girls are suspects. They haven't been home since it happened. I want to torture whoever did this. For Haz. For Alex. For me. It jus getrs weirder. What's the REAL story?

July 21, 1996

I can't believe I'm actually having to write something like this. Hazbleydey was killed last night. I just can't believe this is happening or has happened. It all seems so unreal to me right now. She apparently went to a taberna last night with some other people and some guy just walked up and shot her in the head. Just like that. Didn't take anything. Just did it. And left. Some people were saying they thought they had some people (or person) in custody. But who knows if that was just gossip? This is just too incredible. I've never had to deal with anything like this before. And she's Alex's best friend. It breaks my heart to see Alex like this. Too many of her friends have been killed. The people at Alex's house were strangely subdued. Her friend Liliana was like a rock. She was like, "It happened. We have to accept it. It happened because it had to happen." No red eyes, nothing. Her cousin Ramiro was there, too. He had apparently been seeing Haz for about a month now. Alex was losing it, though. This is all just way too unreal.

We saw her last night, too. She was going to come over to Alex's and hang out with us. Or we asked her to. She said she couldn't, that she was tired and was going to go to sleep. We said goodbye and were gonna try and hook up with her today. I remember not wanting to go in and see her at first. But we did. It was only about five minutes or so. Did I hurry us out of there? I'm starting to think I did. God, no!

If I'd known then, oh Jesus I would've stayed all night until those people came over and asked her to go out. Why couldn't she have come over? She would've been safe. Everything would've been alright. She would still be here. Why? Why? Why? God, how grateful I am to have had that last hug. That last kiss on the cheek. That last squeeze of her hand. I just wish it wasn't the last time. She sent me a message on my beeper saying how happy she was to have such a special friend (American, no less), and things like that. Real nice. I wish I still had it saved. Always thought there would be others. Or actually, never though.

Alex and Liliana wondered whether or not this had anything to do with the people that took her and/or Haz's ex-boyfriend. Some said she committed suicide in the bathroom. Now the story about the guy with the gun. Either way, she's dead. That word. Final.

But why? What did she do? What REASON was there for God's sake? Haz was so sweet, so friendly, and so caring -- this just shouldn't happen. It's not supposed to.

I fucking hate guns. I fucking hate the person that did this to her. I hope he suffers. I hope he suffers forever.

I just can't seem to understand it. In fact, I still have the message Alex sent to my beeper. We had just left her house, and I was going to get a Colectivo. The drogueria that her family has was closed. We commented on it, and said, "I hope it's nothing serious. Oh, probably not." Alex thought maybe they overslept. (It was 12 or so). Now I also remember that Alex's grandfather remarked how the drogueria was closed 'cause we had asked him to have her beep me about hanging out today. I also recall wondering to myself why there wer epeople in front by the door to the house. That maybe there were asking about when it was going to open or something. I got the Colectivo, and Alex left. About halfway home, I got a beeper:

12:21 PM/4:Algo terrible paso con Hasbleydi llamame al 7765875 es urg. Alexandra.

I thought maybe her ex-b/f (I didn't know he was her ex) had beaten her up or something. I started to get angry about it. I called Alex from in front of the Colombo and she told me, "Mataron a Hazbleydy." It just seemed so unreal. I got in a taxi and immediately went back. It was the longest ride of my life. When I got to Alex's, she was out front with her grandfather and a friend, crying. "Why? Why didn't she come? She would've been safe." and on. Those people were still in front, and it was then I realized why they had been there.

Then in Alex's apartment when Liliana and Ramiro arrived they started to get calm and remember things Haz would say. And laugh a little. I was grateful for the break in tension. I cried there with Alex. To myself in the taxi coming back. Out loud in my apartment. Writing this. I have to go to the Velacion at 7. Don't want to. It's going to be too hard. Too real. They talked about when they were going to "entregar" her. Deliver her. That's so cold. Not even "take" or "bring" but "DELIVER". It's started to dawn on me that they've lost so many friends and relatives to violence like this that they have almost GOTTEN USED to it. Can't really blame them.

But not me. I'm not used to this. This has never happened to me before. It almost makes me want to leave.

Why is she dead? Did she really kill herself? Is that why she didn't want to come over? Is that why she said she was "going to bed." Then, did she go out, get very depressed after a few drinks and kill herself in the bathroom? If so, Why?

I can't believe that she's gone. It makes you realize how temporary things are. Cherish them. Tell people you love them. I hope Hazbleydy knew how much I really did (and do) love her. I am sure that she loved Alex. And also that she loved me. I'm starting to cry again. I love you Haz. Te quiero Haz. Espero q'nos veamos de nuevo y q'estes mejor que aqui. Me haces falta y te quiero. She didn't speak English. Alex said she was going to start studying at the Colombo. That would've been a trip. Seeing her every day. She was always so affectionate with me. From the first tim I met her. The only friend of Alex's that I could call my own. Liliana's never really liked me. And to see that drogueria with her name on it in front of Alex's will always make it more difficult. For everybody, I'm sure.

I've lost a friend. I saw her hours before she died. Maybe two or three. What were Alex and I doing then?

I have always loved and considered this to be a beautiful country. Today it became much uglier.

It's 5:38 now. Haz should have arrived at the funeral home by now. They said she was to be "delivered" by 5 PM. About 20 blocks from here. I don't know what time the funeral is supposed to be, but I assume it should be tomorow.

I'm trying to imagine if she felt any pain. Or what actually happened. Was she scared? Or was it all so quick that she didnt' know and it just happened? I hope it was the latter. I would hate to think of her final moments as being in pain and fear. Begging for her life. Please, no.

I need to get ready to go. I love you Haz. No, she doesn't speak English. Te quiero mucho, Haz.

6:34 PM

Just talked to Alex. They aren't going to "deliver" Haz until noon tomorrow. So I guess I'll have to go after work. The funeral probably won't be until Tuesday, I suppose. This is still too unreal.

7/11/96

July 11. 7/11. Seven-eleven. That great orange and green hope of convenience in the United States. What they really need down here are some 7-11's.

Students are taking exams today. In the Intro course, I had to kick out two students for cheating. Ironic considering the fact that you CAN'T FAIL THE FUCKING COURSE.

They don't know that, though.

Millos 3, America 0. Millos is at least sub-campeon. After Sunday, we'll know the final results of the Copa Mustang. Great game. Lots of fun. I needed that.

Looks like Hurricane Bertha is gonna skip FL after all. Thank God. One news report had it at 500 miles in diameter and winds around 115 mph. Fucking dangerous. They made Mom evacuate again. I discovered this while trying to call her yesterday afternoon. "Due to Hurricane Bertha, we are under mandatory evacuation. I'm in Orlando, and will return your call whenever I return."

This was not the way to find shit out. Especially in another country. No one, not even the embassy knew squat. When I went to the house before the game, I was needless to say, a bit stressed out. But Mom called the machine, and called the Higueras. Called the hotel she was at in Orlando, and found out the storm had just started to swing north and FL was out of danger. Made me think of the hurricane last year. Erin, I believe. I'm glad it's over. What was gonna be a pretty mellow week turned out to be a little stress monster. It's Thursday, though, and I think the worst is over.

Must get letters written to send with Laurie on Tuesday. Rent is today. Must pay rent. Must pay rent.

I have a cold too. I suffer so greatly.

Looks like I'm gonna team teach next cycle. This means either a) $90,000 pesos more for the cycle or b) 19 hours being made up. Need to think about this. Speaking of $, we were supposedly paid today.

Achoo!

7/03/96

Mike's 38th birthday. It's been five years now since we've spoken, and although he's just been a shit, I miss him. I wish I knew why he broke away from everyone. I wish I knew why he wanted this self-loathing that is so classically Mike. Yet, despite all this, I do feel a sense of longing for him. And I wonder where he is, what he's doing, what he's thinking. And why he's still being such a shit.

I'm look forward to taking a nice vacation in December. I think I deserve one. So strange how things have changed. In high school, wait all year to come here for a month. Now, I wait here all year to go back fo rjust under a month. I wonder if I 'll have some other kooky cycle that sometime. Must rent Amityville Horror tomorrow for class.

Happy Birthday Mike
Do you remember me on mine?
Do you wonder what I look like?
Are you curious to where I am?
What I'm doing?
Do you still care?

I do.

6/20/96

Sitting across the street from the Colombo and waiting for my lunch. Alone. Eating alone can sometimes really suck. Haven't done this i n awhile, but it doesn't really m atter because I'm fucking hungry.

My Bandeja Paisa is here.

June 17, 1996

Well, finally got a new notebook. Haven't done any serious writing since I was in the U.S. last December. Fresh start, i guess. Sitting in the living room (moved last March 6 to 'La Macarena') w/Jorge. There, it's finally started.

1/7/96

Happy New Year. In the States right now. Got here on 12/21. Haven't really felt like writing. Obvious, I guess. Sometimes I'm so fucking lazy, it can really piss me off.

Feeling pissed now. Ana and her cousin (they're visiting) were s'posed to leave today, but snow in NY is keeping them here right now. I like them both, but they can be seriously demanding -- and Pia (cousin) reminds me of Liliana sometimes. Total hottie, but her attitude can be a bit much sometimes. As for Ana, she's 27 going on 10. She has a serious amount of growing up to do. Her lack of desire to speak English is annoying, too. No effort. I sure hope she doesn't start bitching about not learning enough English. She has no room to complain.

Mom's been a real joy, too. She even has ideas about how I should be doing my job. I don't think she's terribly qualified to tell me about my job, either. She also knows how I should feel about all sorts of stuff. She needs to realize I'm all grown up now. This will, of course, never happen.

It just really pisses me off when people make unreasonable demands on me. For God's sake, I should be in charge of my own life. This doesn't happen so much when I'm in Colombia. Treated more like a person than some thing. I'm not gonna be too sad to be leaving here on Wednesday.

I miss Alex. I think that I would do just about anything to be there now. Only a few more days.

Must start working out again. I could say that'll be my New Year's resolution, but I think that's a sure way of it not happening.

Need to buy a new notebook to keep this journal in. Definitely need to write more.

11/7/95

Sitting at the goddamned studio ("Al Aire") waiting for my fucking money. The check (for 460,800 pesos) was returned on Saturday, and I only have 2,000 in the bank. Not gonna help me too much. I told him if he didn't give it to me in cash today, I wouldn't finish his fucking corrections. I actually told him, in Spanish no less, to shove his corrections up his ass if I didn't get it.

Well, some guy is supposed to be coming with the cash -- from Fusa. It's about two hours from here. This fucking pisses me off. I want my money, and to get the hell out of here. I'm real sick of dealing with this cokehead midget. I thought this was gonna be a cool deal, but he insists on fucking with me.

I don't plan on sitting here for the entire fucking afternoon, I can tell you that. Jack's a lawyer, he can deal with this bullshit.

They're playing the tapes that we did in the other room right now. I think they're trying to soften me up with how good they sound, but it's not working. They do sound good, though. You know, the money was good with this, but if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. Too much bullshit has been involved. I guess I can chalk this all up to being a learning experience. It's 2:05 right now. If it starts to get close to 3, I'm gonna bail.

I'm probably gonna also thrust Jorge's head through a plate glass window, too. He was giving me a bunch of shit about how this isn't his style. Whatever, pal. Give me my fucking money.

Listening to Manson right now. This probably isn't helping my mood all that much, either. I had planned to go buy some music after I got my cash, but I don't think I'm gonna have a whole lot of time. It's not like I'm real close to anything right now.

Alex update: things are going pretty well. Hung out yesterday and did a whole lot of nothing. But it was so cool. I really enjoyed being with her. Would much rather be with her right now.

Talked to John last night. I probably shouldn't have called, but I really wanted to talk to him. I think he's kinda down, but sounded glad to talk to me. I know I was glad to talk to him. We started talking at the same time a bunch of times. Lots to say, I guess. I've never been able to see John very much, but I miss him nonetheless. He said he might be getting a transfer to Ft. Lauderdale. Cool for him. It might even happen in the next month or so. That would be rad, 'cause I could go hang with him for a little while when I go back in December.

Sounds like Matt and Connor are growing up pretty quickly, too. That's pretty cool. He also said he saw Mike (for the first time in two years) a few weeks ago. Sounds like Mike is kinda fucked up. I don't doubt it, but fuck, he's gotta do something for himself. I haven't heard from him in so damned long a time (4 years, almost 4 1/2). I mean, shit, what did I do to him? Mike and John are my brothers, and I love them both very much. I wish things were different. I'm pretty sure most people say the same thing a lot of the time.

Never got back to talking about Bon Jovi. The show was alright, we all had fun. But, they played nothing from the first two albums -- and that's what I really wnated to hear. That was such a big part of my adolescence. I almost felt abandoned, having been there from the start. Lame.

Jorge Midget just asked if I could do my shit now, and he could give me a check tomorrow. Fat chance, midget-boy. It made my blood boil just to have him ask. I'm so poor right now, I probably can't afford to pee, and he wants me to work for him. Blow me, shithead.

This all makes me think of what I had written a few months ago about needing a show that I could just scream and thrash about. Bon Jovi sure as hell ain't it.

So angry I can barely see/think straight right now. A new tattoo. A piercing. Music. Something. I need something to make me feel better right now.

Of course, throwing this cheesy little bastard through a wall would be a pretty cool thing. He had asked me about what he could do to make things better. My beating the living fuck out of him would help a bit, too. It's kind of like that Suicidal Tendencies song -- "Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right (But They Make Me Feel A Whole Lot Better)".

Been pretty much writing to maintain my sanity writing in here. Just letting thoughts flow off the top of my head. Cool. I guess. Only I had planned on being way the hell out of here by now. Grrrr. Looks like I won't be able to see Alex later. Dammit. S'posed to crash at Allura's tonight. Paco gets back from the States on Sunday. He's supposed to bring the Pretty + Twisted CD back for me. Hope it's good. It's 2:45 right now. Time is running out for this guy. Maybe I'll write more later. Depends on how the day goes.

5:40 - That evil rat bastard didn't pay me. Waiting for Jack (Alex is with me) at Barrilitos to see if he can help me. Pissed doesn't describe me.

11/4/95

Happy Birthday Dad.

11/2/95

In the second hour of Pron. This class is generally pretty beat, and I'm not really in the mood. Not feeling too hot.

Some people from the Colombo are meeting Alex and I at the show. Hugo is already there saving us seats. That's pretty cool of him. Carolina is going with a friend of hers, too. She's so damned sweet, if it rained, she'd melt. No lie.

I said it before, and I'll say it again. I really hope they play "In and Out of Love" tonight. That was one rockin' song.

11/1/95

More in a while, my ass -- try a month and 1/2 later. Makes me mad when I think about it. Almost every day I've had shit to write about, but never did. Blame it on laziness. That really pisses me off.

So much has happened to me, I do n't even know where to begin. First, there's Alex. We wound up together just about a month ago or so. It's weird how it happened, actually. After giving each other little notes and shit, I guess certain feelings started to bubble. It was decided that we needed to talk, and we went to lunch. At lunch, we both revealed that we were interested -- but wait, she's supposed to get married to her boyfriend of 8 1/2 years in December. She asks what I'm hoping from her. Hell, what could I hope for? Nothing. Right?

Wrong. We went out that afternoon. Just bullshit, actually. She had to buy a present, and asked me to tag along. Well, we went for a beer, afterward, one thing led to another, and the inevitable kiss happened.

Awesome.

But wait, she's getting married. Well, this kind of thing goes on all week ... And the next .. And she tells her b/f that she doesn't wanna get married. Wow.

Now, I'm not thinking that she did this for me. She had said that she had been feeling that way for awhile. Her family doesn't sound too thrilled. The guy ain't, either.

So things are going pretty well with us. I really dig her. It's funny how things can be fun with her.

Then, on Monday (10/30), I almost get busted for having pot on me. Not good. Colombian cops are not the coolest, I can tell you. The worst thing is, Alex was with me, and they nabbed her too. She didn't even know I had it. I felt so shitty, it's not even funny. About an hour (which seemed like twelve lifetimes) and 35,000 pesos later (approx 40$USD), they let us go. Not a fun experience. They were talking about keeping us for 24 hours and everything. That would've been bad. Real bad.

But not as bad as it was with Alex after. She was mad. She was upset. It was so hard. Said something to me I will never forget. "I thought you didn't need that to be with me." She was almost crying. I felt horrible. What could I do? She was right. I totally let her down. That was a hard night. She didn't sleep much, she said. I know I ddidn't. We talked alot, and things are better now. I still feel real bad about it, though. I don't think I'll be over that for awhile. She told me that she thought VERY seriously about getting rid fo me. I'm such an asshole sometimes, it shocks even me.

We're going to see Bon Jovi tomorrow. That'll be wild. Bon Jovi in Bogota. I remmber seeing them on my 14th birthday opening for Ratt. If I knew then what I know now. I hope they play songs from that show. Although that wasn't the best time in my life, that show made me feel real good. Good memory. My 2nd concert ever. I think I'll probably have a good time. Maybe it'll be my 14th birthday again.

Funny what happens in 10 years.

As for NItza, things change. They did for me, at least. It's kind of sad, but what can I do? Kind of hard to lie to yourself. It's different now. This means that I'll be home after May. Again, funny how plans change. Who knows when I'll go back to live in the States? Going back to visit in December, though. I'll be glad to see my friends. Mark P., Sameh, Tara, Carolyn ... these are probably the people I think about the most.

Gators are ranked #3 -- is this The Year? I sure hope so. I'd probably cry.

Alex said something else on Monday. She was mad, I was trying to talk to her, and she said, "Don't speak to me in Spanish. Only in English."

That hurt. What the hell am I supposed to do? She told me today that she was talking about that night and to forgive her. I can't stay mad forever -- well, actually, I'm not mad. But it hurt. That kind of sticks in the back of my mind.

Told her yesterday about Grandy, about Edith, and about what happened when Butch died. All of what Mom said to me the day before. "Would you feel bad if he died tomorrow?"

"Yes, of course."

"I don't think so." and she left.

He died the next afternoon. I remember how hard that tim was. Horrible. It's still kinda hard actually. I even almost started to cry telling Alex about it. She gave me a hug. It was nice. Nice I could tell her.

9/13/95

Friday the 13th. Although in Colombia, it's Tuesday the 13th that's s'posed to be bad. Yeah, whatever.

We did our "amigo secreto" thing today. I got a pipe and a lighter. Pretty cool, but not the kind of gift I wanna show everyone. Johana was my secret friend. More in a while.

9/11/95

In my 10-12 class right now. Kind of not in a real good mood righ tnow. What else is new? Just invited my class to go drinking this afternoon. Will it happen?

9/6/95

Well, the show last night was a bust. We only saw ourselves because we knew where we were. What a waste of a day that whole thing was. Oh well, at least it was still an experience.

In class right now (6-8) so don't have a lot of time. Went into the resource library this morning to see how Alex was feeling. She greeted me with "Yo miraba anoche y tu no saliste" Sounds silly, but it made me feel good that she looked, or took the time to try and find us. Alex is cool. Time to act like a teacher.

9/5/95

Taken a lot longer for me to get back to this book. At Paco's in Cedritos getting his shit packed up. Moving to the new apartment tonight. i dont' think Allura will be moving in until this weekend. Real close to work. Look like it may be very cool.

Tat is starting to itch now. Parts of the scab must be coming off by now. Need to put some lotion on it.

Paco and My episode of "Suenos y Espejos" is supposed to be on tonight. Might not be able to make it in time. Hope it gets taped. I'd really hate to miss it.

Doing this "amigo secreto" thing at work. The Colombian version of Valentine's Day is a week from sAturday, so this is in connection with that, I esuppose. Anyway, I picked Cecile's name -- but I don't exactly know her. After pleading w/Rosa to pick again, I got Marina. Too funny. Rosa told me I better get her a good present. Cute. That's cool, Marina's a great person. At least it can halfway mean something, now.

Wonder who got me. Alex would be cool. She was kind of flirting with me on Friday. Gave me a hug, too. Felt real good. That will always endear Alex to me. The right thing at the right time.

One student had been flirting with me too, Xiomara. She's pretty -- nice, too. shouldn't take it all too seriously.

Just alked to Genevieve -- looks like we're gonna watch the show at her pad. Cool.

Football season started this past weekend. Made me miss my friends back in the States. Beer. Wings. Sounds reather silly, actually.

Feeling lonely again. Maye that's why Alex's hug felt so good at the time. I should get her something on "amigo secreto" day, too. She's a way wonderful person, too. Most of the Colombo employees ("The Uniforms") are incredibly nice and sweet. Patty apparently said one day, "If you aren't nice, you won't last around here." I believe it.

I think we're finishing this. Maybe I'll write more later. Won't be shocked if I didn't.

9/1/95

5:40 PM - On a buseta going home. Hard to write. So this'll be quick. Made a return visit to Dany Tatoo and had Chiqui ink Pooh on my ankle. Finished about an hour ago. More later.

8/31/95

My students are idiots. Still can't conjugate "to be." Still can't form questions. Not clear on adjectives. We're in the middle of the cycle, and they are clueless. It's not me, 'cause my other Course 1 is doing well. I refuse to spoon feed them.

The TV thing was beat. We had to leave after nine hours, and my speaking part was cut. All we did was hang outside for a wedding scene and film for two minutes. Phony people. Lots of cellulars. Actors snorting coke. At least it was an experience. Got class now -- maybe more later.

In my 10-12 class now. These students are much cooler. I like this class much more.

Oh yeah, if I get paid for the TV thing, I'll be very surprised.

Class is doing the famous person guessing game. This is usually a good day -- don't know why my 8-10 Course 1 bombed so badly. These guys are much cooler. Beautiful students, too. Good-looking bunch o'people.

But, it's weird. There's one kid in here yesterday who didn't know who the President of Colombia was. No lie, I was shocked. Charlie was in here observing, and he said if he didn't see it, he wouldn't have believed it. Unreal. The President has only been all over the news for the past few months (he may have accepted narco-dollars for his campaign last year. Bad stuff.), and the kid has no idea who he is. That is an example of a person who is only into smoking dope and nothing else. No lie.

I think we finish the recording English thing on Friday or Saturday. Getting tired of it, to be honest, but the $$ is good. I can't believe tomorrow is the first day of September. This year is flying.

8/24/95 - 6:15 PM

At Al Aire ... (the studio). We were gonna leave, but Jorge (the producer) said, "Let's work until 7." Why not, maybe we can get ahead a little. I haven't had to do a whole lot today. Paco's been in the booth like a bastard, let me tell you. My heavy day comes when they ahve me do ALL the narrations. That's a full day in itself. Been here since around 2 or so.

Sam and I went to Dany Tatoo today to talk prices. The bitch there was pretty rude to us. Sam said something to her, and she was all bitchy 'cause he misunderstood. Gotta go to the booth. More in a sec.

Back. Anyway, she said to him, in Spanish, "Are you Colombian?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Good, then you should understand Spanish very well," she snapped.

Bitch. She was German, too. Acted like she totally couldn't be bothered. Bitchy frau.

We film "Suenos y espejos" tomorrow. Paco is going too. That'll be cool.

8/22/04

Been a long time since I've written. Lots has happened, but I really haven't had much of a desire to write. Biggest thing is, after the Colombo tape thing, I got a gig with Paco and Allura doing this English language series of tapes. We do it this week (today si the first official day of recording) and get paid 480,000 pesos for four or five days of work. That amounts to about 550-600 USD$. Pretty cool.

And, I'm also gonna be on a Colombian soap opera, it looks like. They called here last Friday (Today is Wed.) looking for "monos." Rosa let me know. Went on Friday, but was late. Went on Saturday, but the lady I needed to talk to wasn't there. So, I go back today. If they give me the runaround one more time, I'm gonna tell 'em to shove it, though. I just wanted to do it for fun, but it's turning into an ordeal, now. Only gonna pay me 20-25,000 I think, but it should be a cool experience. I think I'm gonna be a businessman or something. We'll see today. Looks like I'll have a speaking part. I'll have to write it all down when i get to the recording studio after the appointment. Bell rang. First class.

5:25 PM -- At the studio. Paco and Allura are in the booth doing a dialog. This whole thing is pretty tripped out, really. Go to the recording studio and work. I feel like I'm making a rock record or something. I can see why bands arent' into being in the studio. We've been here for only a couple of hours and it feels pretty constricting (or is that restricting? Restrictive? Yeah, I'm an English teacher). Pretty strange.

The "producer" sure does smoke alot, as well as drink a butt-load of coffee. He must be Wired.

Finally made it to the TV thing today. They were very "very" Only way to really describe it. How "lindo" I am and all that. They tried to make me out to be some beautiful studpuppet. I mean, it was cool at first, and I kind of bought into it and all -- but I think I've come to my senses. Also said, "This is TV -- I don't need 'feos.' Feos no me sirven" -- when she asked about my friends (if they were gonna come or not). Great, at least I'm not ugly. Did tell me to try and take care of my face -- recommended clearasil, no lie. Didn't feel too lindo after that, I can assure you. Anyway, I go back at 6:30 AM on Friday. Paco might be coming too. That would be cool, I hope he does. He's a real good guy.

Yeah, "Lindo." Whatever lady, I still sleep alone. Sure wish it were true, though.

Oh yeah, there's another girl that's working with us. Lara. From San Diego. She seems nice. I like her. More later, maybe.

5:45 - Oh yeah - ever more. Apparently they dig my voice here. So much so that I'm doing all the extra voices on this thing. I'm the narrator that was my original job. But nwo, it's the customs agent, the receptionist, taxi driver (got to use a New York accent) and I was just a policeman a couple minutes ago. Funny. It's too bad Astrid can't see me now. She always said I should do shit like this. I will say people have complimented me on my voice beofre, syaing I should do things like this. But Astrid (in college) was always way vocal about it. Haven't talked to her in probably a year and 1/2. I wonder what she's up to.

8/10/95

Haven't written in awhile. Where to begin.

Jerry Garcia died yesterday. That's a real bummer. it's weird, too, because yesterday I was talking w/people at work about him. Tina even borrowed one of my Grateful Dead CDs to copy . She took American Beauty today. When I saw her today, she was like, "Isn't that freaky?" Tina's a cool lady.

I don't see how the Grateful Dead will continue. Jerry seemed to be very much the center of the band. And I never got to see them. My last chance was last April when they played Tampa. Guess I never will.

That'll be strange. No more Dead tours. No more Deadheads.

It's almost as if an entire culture is facing its own extinction. If all that does happen, it'll be a strange thing. The States could be very different. Very strange to think about. Was pretty bummed about it when I heard. In a way, this more unreal than Kurt Cobain killing himself. I mean, the Dead have been around FOREVER. It wasn't supposed to end. Everything ends eventually. I know. But it's always a shock when it ends unexpectedly. Like someone dying, for instance.

Hurricane Erin hit FL last week. Mom had to evacuate, but nothing like when Andrew hit Miami. Pretty lucky. Everyone seems to be OK. Got some clippings in the mail from Mom about it. She ended the letter with "Wish you were here." Yeah, with a hurricane. Me too.

Nitza's mom was supposed to call me that day to tell me. She did -- after my mom had called and told me. Little late, bitch. She wasn't very pleasant, and I didn't really appreciate it too much. Haven't talked to Nitza, either. I think it might be a sign. Of course, every day, it gets harder and harder.

Hung out with one of the new teachers, Allura, the other day. She's cool -- seems like a real run person. Me and some of the teachers are gonna try to see Mana in a few weeks. Only heard a couple of their songs, but it's a show, so we'll see. Could be cool. Hope so.

Recorded some dialog for the oral part of the Final Exam for Courses 7 and 8 today. Get paid 7500 pesos/hour for it. Almost 7$/hr. Pretty cool. And, I 've been immortalized. Did it with Terry and this guy, Tony. Pretty cool. I always hat ethe way I sound on tape, though.

Had a weird dream with my Dad in it the other night. Strange how I move to another country, and I still can't seem to escape him. Sometimes, I just don't think there's an end.

Busy day tomorrow. Subbing from 12-2 (Course 1). That'll be 8 hours teaching with no break. That's OK, though. I really need the hours. Subbing for one of the Mauricios on Monday, too. Another Course 1 from 2-4. At least I have a couple hours to rest then. Need to make up those sick hours if I want to get that bonus. 300,000 pesos. I think I really want that year-end bonus.

Wish I could listen to the Dead right now. I should be able to get my CDs from Tina tomorrow.

Cycle ends in a week. Wheee!

8/3/95

Didn't get to finish that. Simba hadn't returned, but the street guy from before comes out with a wooden owl. Talkin' in Spanish like "This is so cool, want it?" "Wanna buy a stash?"

No lie. This really happened.

Anyway, he says he's dealt me before, and he wants me back as a "cliente." He did me a deal for 1500 pesos. Don't know if I wanna deal with him again, though. Just saw him coming home (I'm in the restaurante). Just walked by. More later, my soup's here.

8/1/04

Yes, my 8-10 class is definitely the biggest pain in the ass. Don't use English, fuck, why do the cute ones suck so bad? More later.

It's a little later, now. Just got back from eating lunch. Can't beat that 1400 peso lunch, y'know? While I was walking down there, this dude (semi-hippie, but not really) started calling out "Mono, Mono" I just kinda ignored him and went on my way. Was looking for Simba, but the kid was nowhere to be found. Ate lunch, it was good.

Anyway, decided to walk back the same way, to see if maybe Simba decided to come back. AD meeting. More later.

7/31/95

In my course one class (8-10). I think they are going to be my more difficult one. Insisting on speaking in Spanish. They may hae to suffer for this. More later, probably.

7/30/95

Listening to Pearl Jam live bootleg. It's been turning into that kind of day. Should probably start from the beginning.

Didn't go out last night. Crashed out pretty early, actually. Wake up today, graded some quizzes, and played basketball. Best of three, as usual. We beat 'em in two. Played w/Edgar, Jack, and Jorge. Probably played best game yet. Had 9 of 32 points in first game. Even got a three pointer. Felt good -- felt like I was actually contributing for a change.

Hung out w/George and his cousin for a while this afternoon. The usual, no big deal. got to eat, though. That was pretty cool. Eating is usually a pretty cool thing.

Ate dinner here at home, was told that having homosexuals around children was "dangerous." What?! Did I hear that right? I made a comment, pretty non-threatening, just wnated to make my opinion known. There was alot more I wanted to say, that's for sure.

No mor dangerous than your average heterosexual is what I say. Edgar even said he wouldn't want them around his children. I would expect that from Claudia G., but hearing it from him really surprised me. Hell, it even surprised me to hear that kind of crap from Cecilia. Leila started it -- her ignorance doesn't surprise me. She really gets on my nerves sometimes. But that whole conversation made me feel so distant from them. I feel very alone in this hosue right now -- and everyone is home. Hell, in the teacher's lounge during breaks I feel pretty damn alone, too. I'm in a room full of maybe 40-50 people and I feel so alone. Only person I know of that feels that way.

Still haven't talked to Claudia. I'm so fucking stupid. Now, it's almost like, "what's the point?"
'Sposed to call Nitza tonight. Don't really feel up to it, but I'll do it anyway. Do what's expected of me. I'll just have to keep the conversation down. 10 mins. That's all.

7/29/04

Well, wound up going out with Andres, Claudia, J.C., and Claudia's friend Sonia Cristina last night. I remember Sonia from when I was here in high school. She's a sweet girl. Very pretty, too. Always seems to be smiling. Anyway, we finally find a place that'll let us in (it was late, and every place was pretty full). We drink a bottle of tequila. Claudia decides to get drunk and tell Sonia all about Nitza, how she loves her so much, and how much of a dick I was to her when she was here. How I didn't take advantage of the time she was here. Nevermind the fact, of course, that Sonia is more or less a total stranger. I seriously didn't appreicate Claudia talking shit about me like that with her. Didn't appreciate her talking shit about me, period. Then Claudia says, "Maybe I don't know everything." That's right, bitch, you don't. Shut the fuck up and pass out. They went to the bathroom and I told J.C. and Andres how pissed I was. They didn't seem to think I was wrong. J.C. wanted to me to talk to her, but not then since she was drunk and it wouldn't have really done any good. Didn't speak to Claudia for the rest of the night, and still haven't. I'm sure she told Sonia this to try and make me look bad enough to keep her uninterested. She was still cool to me for the rest of the night, anyway. HA. Fuck you Claudia. She doens't know about the shit that's happened with Nitza and I. I mentoned the bottle-throwing incident to J.C. and Andres. At least they understand why I can't drink with Nitza. Of course, if Claudia knew, she'd just say she doesn't believe me. Of course. Yeah, she's so perfect. Her relationship is so perfect. I've come to start thinking the past few weeks that Claudia is a bit too self-centered and selfish for my liking.

Yeah, she knows about trouble. About problems. Hard life she's had for the past 24 years, being fed, being taken care of. I fucking know hungry. I haven't struggle dnearly as much as alot of people, but I know what it's like to not know where your next meal is gonna come from. Or how my bills are gonna get paid. Or how the rent will be paid. She's a big Mom fan, too. Too bad she doesn't know how she can afford to buy a 200,000 dollar condo on the beach, yet couldn't send me 50$ to buy some groceries. "Gee, you look so skinny. Why don't you eat?" No money for food, Mom. Hey, how's that beachfront view? Don't mind that noise. It's just my stomach.

No, Claudia can't see or understand any of this. Why should she? Ignorance is a comfortable place to live. Bliss.

She doesn't know about during the divorce, the daily phone calls and all the shit. Nothing affects Mark. That's what people seem to think.

Yeah, the divorce is another thing. Mom acts so shocked. Yeah, sure it was a happy house. No one was happy. she knew it. She was the most vocal about it, for God's sake. The divorce didn't really surprise me. How it happened did, though. I guess it did, at least. Sometimes I think i can't really blame my Dad. I certainly couldn't have dealth with her for so fucking long. I have trouble dealing with her now. But I can't forgive him, and wouldn't mind taking a few year's frustration out on him. Am I a hypocrite?

Yeah, Nitza reminds me of my Mom sometimes, too. The martyr. Always suffers more than you. You think you've got problems? Shit, both of them have suffered ten times more than you have. What the hell are you thinking you stupid fuck? Shut the fuck up and make their wounds better, Now. Suffer for others' stupidity.

"I waited all day.
you waited all day ...
but you left before sunset ...
and I just wanted to tell you
the moment was beautiful
Just wanted to dance to bad music
drive bad cars ...
watch bad TV ...
should have stayed for the sunset ...
if not for me."

Later: Oh yeah, almost forgot. Was cleaning Phoebe's cage earlier today, and she knocks over a glass of water on my nightstand. Ruined my Concrete Blonde flyers and my littel portable alarm clock. I am not happy about this. Not at all. I'm trying to do cool shit for her, and she fucks my stuff up. I love her, but am not too happy with her right now. Can say the same about Claudia I guess. Andy Carvin turns 24 today.

Even later: just got back from hanging with George and his cousin. He wants to hang tonight, but I'd like to go out, and his cousin is only 15. Looks bad about going out tonight. Jack doesn't wanna. Haven't heard from Edgar today, so I doubt we'll be going otu with Yanira, too. Fuck.

Song lyric that keeps going through my head. "How can I keep myself away from me?"

Still haven't talked to Claudia, it's almost 8pm, and now she's not home. Probably wont' see her 'till tomorrow, now. I am such a fuckup.

7/28/95

Almost 5pm - my mood isn't very wonderful right now, either. This seems to happen to me alot. Really pisses me off. I mean, what the fuck can I do? It's become a pretty ugly fucking trend is all I can say.

Thought I was s'posed to (finally) go out w/Edgar, Claudia, and Yanira tonight. Looks like that's a bust, though. Only been talking about it for the past two months. Supposedly she (Yanira) talks to Claudia and talks about how hip she is on going out. This weekend was s'posed to be "fijo". Yeah, sure. Maybe tomorrow night. I doubt it, though. Just talked to George, and he's talking about goin' out for some beers. That may (or may not) turn into something interesting.

Listening to Pearl Jam right now. "Nothingman" is on. This is a way cool song. "And he who forgets, will be destined to remember." Think about it.

Thought about a lot of cool stuff that I wanted to write about yesterday. Wonder what happened to it. That's the weird thing about time - you can really never repeat it, you know? I mean, you can read a book again, watch a movie again. Listen to music again - but you can't truly relive the same moment. You can come close, and it may seem like the same thing. But I don't see how it can really be the same.

It's kind of like when I listen to my live Pearl Jam bootleg. Their set at Lollapalooza '92 was incredible. My parents were splitting up, my life was pretty much in the toilet at the time. And, as soon as those drums started playing "Why Go" at the beginning of the set, I was swept away. It just seemed so personal to me, I don't see how anyone else there could have had the same experience I did. That show really helped me big time. Listening to that bootleg really helps take me back. I can't relive the exact moment, but I can sure try.

Like during "Jeremy" -- raising arms and just screaming. That Manson show right before I came here to Bogota was the same, too. Even told Nitza not to pay too much attention to me. Yelled and screamed alot. Felt so good.

I'm not a violent person, I don't think. But I could use a real violent outlet. Is that a contradiction? Probably. I always think that I'm a pretty calm, peaceful person. But beating the shit out of something, someone would feel pretty good, I think sometimes.

Need a show. Need to thrash around. Need to scream. Need to let it out somehow. Tired of keeping it all in. Wanting is one thing. Needing is something else.

A few minutes later, just mentioned to Jack how much I want to scream out. Told him how it's all balle dup and just waiting to get out. I don't think he really understood that much. Can't really expect anyone else to understand, I guess -- although it doesn't really seem all that abnormal to me. Sometimes it does, though. I wonder what would happen if I didn't get to let i tout. Actually kind of scary, in a way. Could also be scary when it escapes. I guess I'm just scary.

Can I really be all that different than everyone else? Probably. I've come to realize (or at least starting to realize) that anything concerning me is possible. Expect the unexpected. I should put that on a shirt.

Jack wants me to go to the tienda with him. Why the fuck not.

7/25/95

Borrowed a pen from Sandra (Mafalda). Where the fuck is my black pen? In my level 2 class -- to the teacher's lounge!

In the lounge. Sam's listening to my discman and telling a story. More later.

Found my pen. It was in the pocket of my backpack. Right where I thought I left it. I must be blind. Even had my contacts in.

Started the new cycle yesterday. Teaching Course 1 from 6-8, 8-10, and Course 2 from 10-12. I was pretty sure I liked my students yesterday, but today I started to do actual REAL LIVE teaching, and I started to notice who the dumbshits are. I hope more pass than last time (half failed).

My course 2 has this incredibly hot girl in there -- Veronica. She's studied English before, a year in the Meyer. Seems to speak rather well. But, I can see how her "student personality" can be pretty annoying. But the main point is she's incredibly hot. Too bad she's my student. Gotta have ethics. HA!

I've made it through my entire lesson plan for the last two days. Incredible. I wonder if this is a trend that will continue. Doubtful, but I can always dream.

Seriously need to write some letters. I'm really missing my friends back in the States. My biggest nightmare is that I go back and they're not there. Need to write Bri and Piernick, especially. At least I have their addresses. Sucks that I lost my digital agenda with all my shit in it. I hope Nitza is getting a hold of people back home for me. With any luck at all, I'll be getting some letters back pretty soon. Only gotten one from Denise. She's too cool. Time to go meet George. Probaby write some more later.

7/3/95

Sitting at table in dining room. Just got done planning classes. Nitza got here yesterday -- pretty cool. Haven't written in awhile. Lots happened. No desire to relate.

Oh yeah, we (Nitza, J.C., Claudia, Andres, Pato) went to Monserrate today. Cool. Then, went to La Hacienda (a mall) for lunch. Actually saw Liliana there. We didn't say anything and neither did she. She was w/her boyfriend who bears an eerie resemblance to me. That dude stared the shit out of me, like I was gonna steal her away. Keep her chief, she's yours. Poor slob, I feel sorry for him. I mean, it really was weird how much alike we look. He even has a goatee. That's pretty kooky. Liliana doesn't look any different. It's pretty funny how much everyone (including myself) hates her. Bitch. She'll get what she deserves one day. Just think, in a city of over Seven Million People -- I run into her. Pretty amazing odds. This is one time I can actually say I beat the odds. Funny.

Today is my brother's 37th birthday. Haven't seen/spoken to him in almost exactly four years, now. Happy Birthday Mike - wherever you are.

6/23/95

In the teacher's lounge right now. haven't much felt like writing lately. I don't think there was anything exciting to relate. Phoebe's got fleas. Whoopee. Actually, feeling kinda down right now. Don't really know why. Things get kinda strange around here sometimes. "Office politics," I guess you could probably say. It's easy to say other people's opinions don't matter. But, they do. Like when certain people ask about my belly ring. They know it's there, they ask to see it, and then they freak out about it. Whatever. If you don't want to know, don't ask. It's kind of like that saying, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. Be careful what you look for, because you just might find it. Almost makes me think of when my Mom would rummage through my room. Still don't know what she thought she was gonna find.

Listening to R.E.M. - Fables of the Reconstruction. Not their happiest album.

12:40 PM

About 20 mins later. Just made a deal w/"Simba" on my own. Sitting on my own at the "usual" 1400 peso lunch pad getting ready for some "crema de pescado" soup. Doing shit on your own in a foreign country has a little satisfaction. Feeling a littel better than 20 mins ago. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

6/20/95 - Near U. Andes "near to heaven"

3:15 PM. Sitting ont eh same spot where Tatiana bugged out. Just sparked w/J.C. He's pretty calm, and all is right with the world.

6/18/85 - Girardot

Almost 8 PM. Read back my journal. My handwriting could sure use some improvement. This is kind of a hard book to write in. Oh well. Today was better than yesterday. Claudia's uncle, Alberto, is pretty fucking funny. We're driving into Melgar, and we hit a bunch of traffic. Anyway, this kid walks by and he's selling popsicles and shit. So, Albert asks:

"Hey, are those popsicles cold?"

"Bien frios," replied the little bastard.

"Oh, well forget it," he replies. "The cold makes our teeth hurt."

I don't think that kid knew what to think. We all laughed our asses off.

Hung out by the pool today. Swam, read, talked shit w/Hector and Teresa (the couple that owns this little casita we're staying in). Good people. The little kids don't know what to make of me, though. They're three and four. One asked Teresa, "Por que les gusta hablar con ese mono?" "Ese Mono" - "The Blond guy". Hilarious.

Alberto just brought me a beer. Really don't want it, but who am I to say no?

I have to lesson plan before I get back to Bogota, tomorrow. That kinda sucks. I have to admit, it's been pretty cool coming here this weekend. Started to feel a bit better about it after people started being a little friendlier. Figures, right?

I was thinking today. I got that "Warm Fuzzy" sheet back, where the other new teachers wrote something nice about me (we all had to do it). Really had some nice stuff on it. "Witty", "Funny", "Friendly", "Outgoing". Tatiana even said I was her favorite. I fall this is true - then why don't I feel that way about myself? It's almost liek they're talking about someone else, not me.

Never realized how cool that Concrete Blonde song, "Little Conversations" really was until after I wrote it down. Sounds good. Looks good too.

Feelin' pretty lonely right now.

6/17/95 - Girardot

Yeah, look this location up on a map. We're probably about 20 minutes (or lesS) from Melgar. Let's talk about heat -- It's fucking hot here. I'm dying. No lie. This heat is killing me, and I'll be here for another two days. I should've known. They're not too into air conditioning down here -- even in the places that need it the most. Like here, for example. Might go jump off a bridge tomorrow, though. That'll be cool. I was s'posed to try and get a hold of George today, but I left the phone number back in Bogota. I hope he's not too pissed. Watch me get back and find the number in my wallet. That would be just my luck.

Lots of things have happened, but haven't been able to get it down on paper. Like last Tuesday (the 13th. How prophetic. Here, Tuesday the 13th is the bad luck day). Only about half the training course makes it to get jobs. Which sucks. George didn't make it -- which kind of sucks except it WAS his own fault. At least he realizes it. Victoria didnt' make it, though - and that's really got some of us upset. She seemed to do everything right, but still didn't get in. We were all sitting around the teacher's lounge going in one by one to Patty's office. We thought we were all going for our class schedules, which I guess some of us were. I got two classes, which is more than anyone else got, but I had a bit of a hard time feeling good about it, considering everything that happened that day. I got home and told Cecilia and Jack, "I'm not a teacher, I'm a Survivor." I think that kind of sums it up. George and I went to hang w/Victoria a couple days later. She's pretty bummed about it. Can't say that I really blame her. Shit, she spent a month at that place only to get cast away. I hope I still get to see her, she's a really sweet girl.

Jesus, it's so hot here. I hope I can make it. I know how wimpy it sounds, but it's also not like I can help it. Your body tells you wehn you've had Enough.

Growing the goatee back. Not sure how I feel about it. I must be fucking crazy. I bitch, piss, and moan no matter what, it seems. Maybe I'm just overreacting.

Sitting here makes me think of shit that I miss. The one thing that tops the list right now are hugs. God, how I miss getting a hug. Besides the day I got here, I don't think I've gotten any. No, I take that back. The two times I've seen Giovanna, she's hugged me. As I've said before, she is definitely the Colombian version of Carolyn -- but not gay. Back to the hugs, I could really go for one right now. I feel like a complete wimp, but I really feel like crying right now.

I also really miss Nitza right now. Feel kind of strange writing that down, too. Fuck it, this journal is for me, not for anyone else. I need to definitely keep that in mind. I also kind of have an urge to go back and read this -- but I think that might make me feel worse. Fuck.

6/15/95 -- Rm. 208

My first day teaching by myself. 15 mins. to go. Going OK, I guess. A little nervous, but that's to be expected. Have them doing an exercise right now. Trying to kill a few mins. I think they can tell. Hope not. It's a second level class - same one I taught w/Sam. Even have two students from my other class w/Sam. Two of my fans that always stared and gave me a mango. Should be interesting. Hope they pass. One girl is way cute. Sandra. Yow! It's 7:30 AM. 15 mins to go.

6/14/95

Believe it or not, I'm sitting here in a Dunkin Donuts about a block from the Colombo. Weird. Not like in the States, though. Not open 24/7, and they serve complete breakfasts. I guess it's an even trade-off. Beck on the radio. "I'm a loser babyyyy ... so why don'cha kill me." Breakfast starts to arrive.

-- At the plenary. Line from Ed Stanford: "Every time you say 'yes', you also are saying 'no'." Deep.

6/13/95 -- Teacher's Lounge

7:15 AM - Returned students' final exam. Out of 21, 10 weren't very happy. Felt kinda bad about it. Some of 'em are really good students, was sure a few of them would have kicked its ass. Oh well. Sam said to get used to it, and he's right. It's nothing personal.

Hell, the guy I wanted to fail, passed -- although barely. Bastard.

You know I was thinking yesterday about the park by our house. Ever since the first tim I smoked w/Erwin that park has always seemed different to me. Speaking of Erwin, I should go -- gotta meet him for breakfast.

1:15 PM - Later

Gonna blaze w/George and Tatiana. More later.

6/12/95 -- Teacher's Lounge

Maybe it's me, but shitty weekends are becoming the rule, not the exception. Was s'posed to go out w/Edgar, Claudia, and Yanira this weekend, but that simply did not materialize. Edgar decided to get drunk, Claudia decided to get pissed -- and I just kinda hung out. Gettin' tired of just hangin' out.

Played basketball for a couple hours yesterday, as well. Legs were kinda sore afterwards, but feel OK now. Didn't play that well, but had fun anyway. Always next week.

Went out w/George, Victoria, and Tatiana last Friday. Drank some beer -- played sloppy quarters for the first time in years, too. Weird. Tatiana flipped on me. I guess she's not too into having her abuse thrown back in her face. Fuck her, I'm getting a little tired of her throwing shit at me and insulting me. She better shape up. George told me he thinks she's just trying to get my attention -- but I can think of better ways. We must talk.

Time to give the final. More later -- maybe.

6/8/95 - Teacher's Lounge

Haven't written for a couple days. Saw Katy (or however you spell it) with Erwin a couple days ago. She was much friendlier when I was getting my tatt a couple months ago. Oh well, it wasn't like she was un-friendly. We all talked, smoked, did some music - hung out. It was cool, she seems like a cool girl. "Keep in touch" Sure, babe.

Orlando lost Game 1 of the finals to Houston. 2 points in OT. Damn.

Edgar and I wnet to pick Claudia up yesterday, wound up at the "Embajada Antioquena" drinking beers - for three hours. Found out that we might not be going out with Yanira on Friday. Bummer. Seems her boyfriend might not have a flight (he's a pilot). I started to talk a lot of shit w/Claudia about her. Just kidding around. Now, I'm supposed to call her. I really hate calling women. Pisses me off. It's really hard for me to talk to women. Especially down here. Always freeze up. This shyness thing sucks. I'll call her at lunchtime -- leave a message.

Claudia made a comment about my Spanish yesterday. Said I didn't speak like everyone else. Yeah, fuck you too, bitch. Your english isn't perfect either. She was laughing and I don't think she meant it viciously, but it still hurt. Need to figure out a way to mention it . Time for training.

6/5/95

Sitting in class right now. Had to borrow this fucked-up pen from Sam. Oh well. Finished my part of the class. Didn't go too well, but I don't care as I really don't feel like dealing with these fuckers right now.

Back to what happened on Friday. Still can't believe I fucking got stabbed in the leg. Kinda hurts right now, and people are noticing my limp. Great. Only Jack knows from my family. don't really need a lecture, you know? He took me over to Oscar's house, and Oscar cleaned it up and gave me a tetanus shot. Now my right leg and left butt cheek hurt. Tetanus shots suck. Big fucking knots in my ass now. Great. If it doesn't close up by tonight, I think Oscar is gonna throw a couple stitches in it. Hope it closes up.

Drinking w/Sam was cool. He came out to me. That's cool. Not like it was a very big surprise or anything. Drank for a couple hours then went home to tend my wounds.

Saturday went to Pato's grad party. Coat, tie, the works. Lookin' sharp. Oh yeah, a 15 year old named Carolina started hitting on me. Kinda strange, but the female attention, I have to admit, was nice. I must be sick -- a woman looks at me, and I almost fucking melt. Definitely feeling lonely these days. I hope I get to see Giovanna soon, get a hug and a smile from her. Right now, that would go a long way.

Orlando won last night and start playing Houston for the NBA championship on Wednesday. At least something cool happened this weekend. Go Magic.

Oh yeah, another cool thing, hung out w/Erwin yesterday -- sparked up. Was pissed 'cause he wasn't returning calls and shit -- found out Claudia wasn't giving me the messages. "I didn't think it was important." I think I straightened her out, though. Hope so. I can see myself buying a beeper 'cause of her.

I really fucking hate this pen. Must go buy one.

2:00 PM - same day

Just baked out w/Jorge and Tatiana. She's wigging the fuck out right now. "Is that for my teacher?" Real life quote -- "Hey, man, it's 2:00. Time to go." Sounded like she was from L.A.

Later -- On the bus about an hour later. Might be hard to write here. 'Twas cool hangin' w/Tatiana and George. Had a good time. Hope she didn't bug out.

Asked Tatiana if she wanted to hang after planning, but she's trying to work out w/her ex b/f. She says he's trying to change. I hope so. I'm pretty worried about her, quite frankly. This is one of those times that I don't want to be right. Her walking in with broken limbs, bruises, a black eye or whatever - wouldn't make me feel very good - and her much worse, I'm sure. I hope she's OK. Then again, I doubt she would tell me if she weren't.

even later ...

Almost forgot. Came up with a politically correct way to say Tatiana has a small head after she tried on my hate - "Cranially Challenged". George laughed. I don't think she got it.

6/2/95

Looks like I didnt' finish all my writing the other day. Oh well, so sue me.

Back. It's about 1:15 PM and I'm waiting for Giovanna to show up. She was s'posed to be here at 1. I hope she doens't ditch me. I'd really like to spend some time with her.

Things with Tatiana seem to be getting a little better. Still not too sure what's goin' on, though. Probably nothing. I still want to talk to her about her ex. Very worried about her, though.

Sam wants to go drink beers at 4. Two hours until then. What to do. What to do.

Later -- Fucking unbelievable. George and I go off to smoke a J., and some crazy bastard tries to grab my backpack and fucking stabs me in my right thigh. Incredible. It happened so fast, but George says he had like a 12-inch blade and waved it six or seven times while he was grabbing my bag. I mean, I thought it was George fucking with me. More in a sec. Hangin' w/Sam.

5/30/95 -- 6:05 AM

It's early -- I forgot my watch and can't find my handout book, out of which I'm supposed to teach today. I hope this isn't an indication of how my day is going to go. More later, I'm sure.

8:15 AM -- Just got back from getting some cappuccino (or however it's spelled). Cold and wet outside. Makes my toe hurt. Amputate it and forget about it. Disconnect. Too bad I can't disconnect myself all the time. Now it's weird -- so many different thoughts going through my head, yet I can't really get them on paper. I should probably save this for later.

5/29/95 -- 8:30 P.M.

Sitting downstairs in the kithcen. Just discovered I lost my pen. I'm not used to this one, and my handwriting looks even shittier than usual. Oh well. Back to work tomorrow. On the tail end of a 3-day weekend. Weekend has definitely been strange. Spent all day Saturday being hungover and stressing. Probably deserve it, though. Crashed out around 10 PM. Spent Sunday being cultured, according to Jorge.

Oh yeah, finally got to talk to Giovanna on Saturday, although we still haven't managed to hook up. Should see her this week, though. I'll be real glad to see her. Giovanna always seems to make me feel a little better. Always seems to have a smile on her face, and a hug waiting for me. Kind of like a Colombian version of Carolyn. It amazes me that such a tiny girl can have such a big heart. I swear Giovanna doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I've missed her. Alot of the time, I don't think I deserve to have friends like her. She's getting married on Sept. 23. Haven't met the guy, yet. He better be good to her. If anyone deserves all the good things the world supposedly has to offer, it's her. She's probably one of the few people in this world that I truly love.

Back to Sunday, went to the "Rock al Parque" show w/Edgar and Jorge. Saw Tom's band. Just three guys, all instrumental. They rocked. Saw a couple of pretty weak ones after that and Jorge and I went to eat lunch. Wicked food. Felt good to eat. When we got back to the show, we hooked up w/Tom for a few minutes and checked out this band that totally rocked. Real heavy bass a la Primus. Too bad I can't remember their name. Tom told me, but it was so loud that I didn't catch it. Probably about 1000 people there. People were way into 'em. Wish they'd played longer. That's really what I was needing at the time.

Caught a soccer game w/Jack, Jorge, and Miguel Angel, too. Millos v. Nacional. Millos won, 3-2. Good game -- serious potential for violence. Apparently a pretty big rivalry. One Nacional player got a red card, and when the coach went out to bitch about it, like coaches are s'posed to do, some clown threw a bottle at his head and missed by inches. Coach wasn't pleased. I can't really blame him. Soccer fans here are brutal.

Nitza called that night, too. Weird conversation. Wasn't too comfortable with it, and it's making me think things may not work out. Very confused about it all. Less than two weeks ago, we were crying and holding each other, and now she seems so distant. Way more than a physical distance. She's calling again on Wed. night. Way nervous about that. Also told me she 'shroomed on Sat. nite w/Jeff and Aaron. That kinda pissed me off. I must be some kind of monstrous hypocrite. Got off the phone with her feeling pretty low. Sat up for awhile trying to think shit out -- but I don't even know what I'm supposed to be thinking most of the time. I can't be as crazy as I'm feeling, can I? "Probably, Mark."

Spent the day playing basketball (we lost) and reading and trying to think. Thinking is the hardest. Also shaved my goatee off this morning. I think I'll be growing it back. I feel so naked without it. At least I could hide behind it when I had it. Feel way too exposed without it. Told J.C. that I felt like my face looked like a penis. Sounds weird, but it's true.

Andres and Pato came by today, too. Got his new # and address as he just moved. Pato gave me an invitation to her graduation and reception. Don't really want to go, as things with them have been kind of strained since J.C.'s accident on the motorcycle. Pato really freaked on that one. LIke it was her bike. J.C.'s leg was all fucke dup, and sh was worried about the bike. J.C. feels the same about goin as I do.

Listening to Marley, "Could You Be Loved?" No, probably not.

Back to work tomorrow. Kinda glad. Sometimes, I feel so lost on the weekends -- like I don't have a purpose. Kinda nervous about tomorrow, though. Been thinking about the whole deal with Tatiana this weekend. Don't udnerstand it. I really hope things are better tomorrow. She's a pretty cool girl, and it would be nice if she felt good about me, too. Probably asking too much, thought. That guy George called me again today. I think I'm gonna want to distance myself from him. He can be real annoying. It's always drugs, pussy, and how you should fuck this and that. "Yo." That New York tough guy bullshit wears real old real quick. That's definitely not me. I'm definitely a much nicer guy than he is. Being nice isn't always such a wonderful thing, but I'd rather be nice, than be like him. Just need to try and be Mark -- whoever or whatever that may be. Anyway, like I said, I hope things are cooler between Tatiana and I tomorrow.

Saw this Gatorade commerical today, "Life's A Sport." No, it's not. Life is confusion and not being sure of yourself. Mine is, anyway.

May 25, '95 -- Teacher's Lounge

"I wear this fucking mask because you could not handle me" -- Marilyn Manson

That phrase (actually that part of the song) keeps pulsing through my head. I hate to sound melodramatic, but I think it kinda rings true. Been feelin' like that quite a bit lately. I feel so phony sometimes, but it's not like you can tell people everything about you. I know I can't. But yesterday, when I was Tatiana, opening up wasn't all that hard. Probably because she was so open so quickly. All that stuff about her ex b/f beating the shit out of her really freaked me out. I almost wish I hadn't asked her about him. But, i'ts cool that she was so open with me about it -- especially considering how that was really the first time we had hung out/talked. Felt so terrible -- what can you possibly say? "Gee, sorry." Felt like an idiot.

Talked about Edith, too. I start to get upset about it now -- it's weird. When Mom told me, I was kind of detatched. Seems more real later, I guess. Tatiana noticed it, too. I guess you could say we shared uncomfortable moments. She's way cool, I really dig her. Easy to talk to, lots o'fun, too. "I think I'll keep her." She got to see Mark start to remove his mask. Felt good. Just need to relax, now.

Later -- Coffee makes me jittery. Yep.

1:00 P.M. -- even later ...

Waiting for some guy to take me to the DA. Whee. Just got done talking to Tatiana about informing everyone about my smoking habits. I feel like things are kind of strange between us, right now. Kind of like there is a wall that just got thrown up. I think she senses it, too. It's weird. I really hope this doesn't last for too long -- actually I hope it doesn't last at all. Hanging with her last night was so much fun, and she truly seems like a wonderful person. But the person I just talked to is not the same one I was with last night. I'd really like to have that one back. But, hell, I could also be imagining all this. It probably wouldn't be the first time I've invented some bullshit to worry myself over.

Now I don't have to go to the DAS. "Can you wait until Tuesday?" Yeah, I can. Just like I wanted to do originally. Oh well, can't really complain. Still feel kind of weird about Tatiana, though. I wish I didn't. I hope it goes away.

Is it cheesy to blog an old journal?

Then crown me cheese-boy. I decided to give my journals from when I lived in Bogota, Colombia an online home. I have kinda mixed feelings about this, but think I'll be glad to have done it in the end. Some of this is going to be hard to revisit, I think. Funny thing is, for all the time I spent down there (Five years), I only managed to keep two sporadic journals. So much for Good Intentions.

I moved down there in May of 1995, after taking a teaching position at a prestigious English Institiute (Centro Colombo Americano). What began as a One year contract turned into Five. I struggled with the decision to move down there, but it was reading Henry Rollins' tour journal with Black Flag, Get In The Van, that cemented my decision.

That book simply Destroyed me. I had moaned during college (like many of us do/did) about "struggling" and whatnot. The lads in Black Flag lived it. They did whatever they could to play the show. Henry lived and wrote about that when he was in his early 20's ... I was 23. When I saw that someone my age could make such a ballsy decision to Go For It, I made my own. I went for it.

I got to meet Henry earlier this year at a spoken gig he was doing in W. Palm Beach. I wrote him an email detailing my experience and how his book was such a Big Deal for me. To my surprise, he remembered the email and we spoke for a few minutes. He seemed appreciative that it was such an Important Book for me. Got a pic and he signed another book for me. I think I walked 6 inches taller for awhile after that.

I should write about that sometime.

What follows over the next few days/weeks/months will be my various journal entries from that time. Good or Bad, these are the years that defined who I am today.