1/7/96

Happy New Year. In the States right now. Got here on 12/21. Haven't really felt like writing. Obvious, I guess. Sometimes I'm so fucking lazy, it can really piss me off.

Feeling pissed now. Ana and her cousin (they're visiting) were s'posed to leave today, but snow in NY is keeping them here right now. I like them both, but they can be seriously demanding -- and Pia (cousin) reminds me of Liliana sometimes. Total hottie, but her attitude can be a bit much sometimes. As for Ana, she's 27 going on 10. She has a serious amount of growing up to do. Her lack of desire to speak English is annoying, too. No effort. I sure hope she doesn't start bitching about not learning enough English. She has no room to complain.

Mom's been a real joy, too. She even has ideas about how I should be doing my job. I don't think she's terribly qualified to tell me about my job, either. She also knows how I should feel about all sorts of stuff. She needs to realize I'm all grown up now. This will, of course, never happen.

It just really pisses me off when people make unreasonable demands on me. For God's sake, I should be in charge of my own life. This doesn't happen so much when I'm in Colombia. Treated more like a person than some thing. I'm not gonna be too sad to be leaving here on Wednesday.

I miss Alex. I think that I would do just about anything to be there now. Only a few more days.

Must start working out again. I could say that'll be my New Year's resolution, but I think that's a sure way of it not happening.

Need to buy a new notebook to keep this journal in. Definitely need to write more.

11/7/95

Sitting at the goddamned studio ("Al Aire") waiting for my fucking money. The check (for 460,800 pesos) was returned on Saturday, and I only have 2,000 in the bank. Not gonna help me too much. I told him if he didn't give it to me in cash today, I wouldn't finish his fucking corrections. I actually told him, in Spanish no less, to shove his corrections up his ass if I didn't get it.

Well, some guy is supposed to be coming with the cash -- from Fusa. It's about two hours from here. This fucking pisses me off. I want my money, and to get the hell out of here. I'm real sick of dealing with this cokehead midget. I thought this was gonna be a cool deal, but he insists on fucking with me.

I don't plan on sitting here for the entire fucking afternoon, I can tell you that. Jack's a lawyer, he can deal with this bullshit.

They're playing the tapes that we did in the other room right now. I think they're trying to soften me up with how good they sound, but it's not working. They do sound good, though. You know, the money was good with this, but if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. Too much bullshit has been involved. I guess I can chalk this all up to being a learning experience. It's 2:05 right now. If it starts to get close to 3, I'm gonna bail.

I'm probably gonna also thrust Jorge's head through a plate glass window, too. He was giving me a bunch of shit about how this isn't his style. Whatever, pal. Give me my fucking money.

Listening to Manson right now. This probably isn't helping my mood all that much, either. I had planned to go buy some music after I got my cash, but I don't think I'm gonna have a whole lot of time. It's not like I'm real close to anything right now.

Alex update: things are going pretty well. Hung out yesterday and did a whole lot of nothing. But it was so cool. I really enjoyed being with her. Would much rather be with her right now.

Talked to John last night. I probably shouldn't have called, but I really wanted to talk to him. I think he's kinda down, but sounded glad to talk to me. I know I was glad to talk to him. We started talking at the same time a bunch of times. Lots to say, I guess. I've never been able to see John very much, but I miss him nonetheless. He said he might be getting a transfer to Ft. Lauderdale. Cool for him. It might even happen in the next month or so. That would be rad, 'cause I could go hang with him for a little while when I go back in December.

Sounds like Matt and Connor are growing up pretty quickly, too. That's pretty cool. He also said he saw Mike (for the first time in two years) a few weeks ago. Sounds like Mike is kinda fucked up. I don't doubt it, but fuck, he's gotta do something for himself. I haven't heard from him in so damned long a time (4 years, almost 4 1/2). I mean, shit, what did I do to him? Mike and John are my brothers, and I love them both very much. I wish things were different. I'm pretty sure most people say the same thing a lot of the time.

Never got back to talking about Bon Jovi. The show was alright, we all had fun. But, they played nothing from the first two albums -- and that's what I really wnated to hear. That was such a big part of my adolescence. I almost felt abandoned, having been there from the start. Lame.

Jorge Midget just asked if I could do my shit now, and he could give me a check tomorrow. Fat chance, midget-boy. It made my blood boil just to have him ask. I'm so poor right now, I probably can't afford to pee, and he wants me to work for him. Blow me, shithead.

This all makes me think of what I had written a few months ago about needing a show that I could just scream and thrash about. Bon Jovi sure as hell ain't it.

So angry I can barely see/think straight right now. A new tattoo. A piercing. Music. Something. I need something to make me feel better right now.

Of course, throwing this cheesy little bastard through a wall would be a pretty cool thing. He had asked me about what he could do to make things better. My beating the living fuck out of him would help a bit, too. It's kind of like that Suicidal Tendencies song -- "Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right (But They Make Me Feel A Whole Lot Better)".

Been pretty much writing to maintain my sanity writing in here. Just letting thoughts flow off the top of my head. Cool. I guess. Only I had planned on being way the hell out of here by now. Grrrr. Looks like I won't be able to see Alex later. Dammit. S'posed to crash at Allura's tonight. Paco gets back from the States on Sunday. He's supposed to bring the Pretty + Twisted CD back for me. Hope it's good. It's 2:45 right now. Time is running out for this guy. Maybe I'll write more later. Depends on how the day goes.

5:40 - That evil rat bastard didn't pay me. Waiting for Jack (Alex is with me) at Barrilitos to see if he can help me. Pissed doesn't describe me.