6/8/95 - Teacher's Lounge

Haven't written for a couple days. Saw Katy (or however you spell it) with Erwin a couple days ago. She was much friendlier when I was getting my tatt a couple months ago. Oh well, it wasn't like she was un-friendly. We all talked, smoked, did some music - hung out. It was cool, she seems like a cool girl. "Keep in touch" Sure, babe.

Orlando lost Game 1 of the finals to Houston. 2 points in OT. Damn.

Edgar and I wnet to pick Claudia up yesterday, wound up at the "Embajada Antioquena" drinking beers - for three hours. Found out that we might not be going out with Yanira on Friday. Bummer. Seems her boyfriend might not have a flight (he's a pilot). I started to talk a lot of shit w/Claudia about her. Just kidding around. Now, I'm supposed to call her. I really hate calling women. Pisses me off. It's really hard for me to talk to women. Especially down here. Always freeze up. This shyness thing sucks. I'll call her at lunchtime -- leave a message.

Claudia made a comment about my Spanish yesterday. Said I didn't speak like everyone else. Yeah, fuck you too, bitch. Your english isn't perfect either. She was laughing and I don't think she meant it viciously, but it still hurt. Need to figure out a way to mention it . Time for training.

6/5/95

Sitting in class right now. Had to borrow this fucked-up pen from Sam. Oh well. Finished my part of the class. Didn't go too well, but I don't care as I really don't feel like dealing with these fuckers right now.

Back to what happened on Friday. Still can't believe I fucking got stabbed in the leg. Kinda hurts right now, and people are noticing my limp. Great. Only Jack knows from my family. don't really need a lecture, you know? He took me over to Oscar's house, and Oscar cleaned it up and gave me a tetanus shot. Now my right leg and left butt cheek hurt. Tetanus shots suck. Big fucking knots in my ass now. Great. If it doesn't close up by tonight, I think Oscar is gonna throw a couple stitches in it. Hope it closes up.

Drinking w/Sam was cool. He came out to me. That's cool. Not like it was a very big surprise or anything. Drank for a couple hours then went home to tend my wounds.

Saturday went to Pato's grad party. Coat, tie, the works. Lookin' sharp. Oh yeah, a 15 year old named Carolina started hitting on me. Kinda strange, but the female attention, I have to admit, was nice. I must be sick -- a woman looks at me, and I almost fucking melt. Definitely feeling lonely these days. I hope I get to see Giovanna soon, get a hug and a smile from her. Right now, that would go a long way.

Orlando won last night and start playing Houston for the NBA championship on Wednesday. At least something cool happened this weekend. Go Magic.

Oh yeah, another cool thing, hung out w/Erwin yesterday -- sparked up. Was pissed 'cause he wasn't returning calls and shit -- found out Claudia wasn't giving me the messages. "I didn't think it was important." I think I straightened her out, though. Hope so. I can see myself buying a beeper 'cause of her.

I really fucking hate this pen. Must go buy one.

2:00 PM - same day

Just baked out w/Jorge and Tatiana. She's wigging the fuck out right now. "Is that for my teacher?" Real life quote -- "Hey, man, it's 2:00. Time to go." Sounded like she was from L.A.

Later -- On the bus about an hour later. Might be hard to write here. 'Twas cool hangin' w/Tatiana and George. Had a good time. Hope she didn't bug out.

Asked Tatiana if she wanted to hang after planning, but she's trying to work out w/her ex b/f. She says he's trying to change. I hope so. I'm pretty worried about her, quite frankly. This is one of those times that I don't want to be right. Her walking in with broken limbs, bruises, a black eye or whatever - wouldn't make me feel very good - and her much worse, I'm sure. I hope she's OK. Then again, I doubt she would tell me if she weren't.

even later ...

Almost forgot. Came up with a politically correct way to say Tatiana has a small head after she tried on my hate - "Cranially Challenged". George laughed. I don't think she got it.

6/2/95

Looks like I didnt' finish all my writing the other day. Oh well, so sue me.

Back. It's about 1:15 PM and I'm waiting for Giovanna to show up. She was s'posed to be here at 1. I hope she doens't ditch me. I'd really like to spend some time with her.

Things with Tatiana seem to be getting a little better. Still not too sure what's goin' on, though. Probably nothing. I still want to talk to her about her ex. Very worried about her, though.

Sam wants to go drink beers at 4. Two hours until then. What to do. What to do.

Later -- Fucking unbelievable. George and I go off to smoke a J., and some crazy bastard tries to grab my backpack and fucking stabs me in my right thigh. Incredible. It happened so fast, but George says he had like a 12-inch blade and waved it six or seven times while he was grabbing my bag. I mean, I thought it was George fucking with me. More in a sec. Hangin' w/Sam.

5/30/95 -- 6:05 AM

It's early -- I forgot my watch and can't find my handout book, out of which I'm supposed to teach today. I hope this isn't an indication of how my day is going to go. More later, I'm sure.

8:15 AM -- Just got back from getting some cappuccino (or however it's spelled). Cold and wet outside. Makes my toe hurt. Amputate it and forget about it. Disconnect. Too bad I can't disconnect myself all the time. Now it's weird -- so many different thoughts going through my head, yet I can't really get them on paper. I should probably save this for later.

5/29/95 -- 8:30 P.M.

Sitting downstairs in the kithcen. Just discovered I lost my pen. I'm not used to this one, and my handwriting looks even shittier than usual. Oh well. Back to work tomorrow. On the tail end of a 3-day weekend. Weekend has definitely been strange. Spent all day Saturday being hungover and stressing. Probably deserve it, though. Crashed out around 10 PM. Spent Sunday being cultured, according to Jorge.

Oh yeah, finally got to talk to Giovanna on Saturday, although we still haven't managed to hook up. Should see her this week, though. I'll be real glad to see her. Giovanna always seems to make me feel a little better. Always seems to have a smile on her face, and a hug waiting for me. Kind of like a Colombian version of Carolyn. It amazes me that such a tiny girl can have such a big heart. I swear Giovanna doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I've missed her. Alot of the time, I don't think I deserve to have friends like her. She's getting married on Sept. 23. Haven't met the guy, yet. He better be good to her. If anyone deserves all the good things the world supposedly has to offer, it's her. She's probably one of the few people in this world that I truly love.

Back to Sunday, went to the "Rock al Parque" show w/Edgar and Jorge. Saw Tom's band. Just three guys, all instrumental. They rocked. Saw a couple of pretty weak ones after that and Jorge and I went to eat lunch. Wicked food. Felt good to eat. When we got back to the show, we hooked up w/Tom for a few minutes and checked out this band that totally rocked. Real heavy bass a la Primus. Too bad I can't remember their name. Tom told me, but it was so loud that I didn't catch it. Probably about 1000 people there. People were way into 'em. Wish they'd played longer. That's really what I was needing at the time.

Caught a soccer game w/Jack, Jorge, and Miguel Angel, too. Millos v. Nacional. Millos won, 3-2. Good game -- serious potential for violence. Apparently a pretty big rivalry. One Nacional player got a red card, and when the coach went out to bitch about it, like coaches are s'posed to do, some clown threw a bottle at his head and missed by inches. Coach wasn't pleased. I can't really blame him. Soccer fans here are brutal.

Nitza called that night, too. Weird conversation. Wasn't too comfortable with it, and it's making me think things may not work out. Very confused about it all. Less than two weeks ago, we were crying and holding each other, and now she seems so distant. Way more than a physical distance. She's calling again on Wed. night. Way nervous about that. Also told me she 'shroomed on Sat. nite w/Jeff and Aaron. That kinda pissed me off. I must be some kind of monstrous hypocrite. Got off the phone with her feeling pretty low. Sat up for awhile trying to think shit out -- but I don't even know what I'm supposed to be thinking most of the time. I can't be as crazy as I'm feeling, can I? "Probably, Mark."

Spent the day playing basketball (we lost) and reading and trying to think. Thinking is the hardest. Also shaved my goatee off this morning. I think I'll be growing it back. I feel so naked without it. At least I could hide behind it when I had it. Feel way too exposed without it. Told J.C. that I felt like my face looked like a penis. Sounds weird, but it's true.

Andres and Pato came by today, too. Got his new # and address as he just moved. Pato gave me an invitation to her graduation and reception. Don't really want to go, as things with them have been kind of strained since J.C.'s accident on the motorcycle. Pato really freaked on that one. LIke it was her bike. J.C.'s leg was all fucke dup, and sh was worried about the bike. J.C. feels the same about goin as I do.

Listening to Marley, "Could You Be Loved?" No, probably not.

Back to work tomorrow. Kinda glad. Sometimes, I feel so lost on the weekends -- like I don't have a purpose. Kinda nervous about tomorrow, though. Been thinking about the whole deal with Tatiana this weekend. Don't udnerstand it. I really hope things are better tomorrow. She's a pretty cool girl, and it would be nice if she felt good about me, too. Probably asking too much, thought. That guy George called me again today. I think I'm gonna want to distance myself from him. He can be real annoying. It's always drugs, pussy, and how you should fuck this and that. "Yo." That New York tough guy bullshit wears real old real quick. That's definitely not me. I'm definitely a much nicer guy than he is. Being nice isn't always such a wonderful thing, but I'd rather be nice, than be like him. Just need to try and be Mark -- whoever or whatever that may be. Anyway, like I said, I hope things are cooler between Tatiana and I tomorrow.

Saw this Gatorade commerical today, "Life's A Sport." No, it's not. Life is confusion and not being sure of yourself. Mine is, anyway.

May 25, '95 -- Teacher's Lounge

"I wear this fucking mask because you could not handle me" -- Marilyn Manson

That phrase (actually that part of the song) keeps pulsing through my head. I hate to sound melodramatic, but I think it kinda rings true. Been feelin' like that quite a bit lately. I feel so phony sometimes, but it's not like you can tell people everything about you. I know I can't. But yesterday, when I was Tatiana, opening up wasn't all that hard. Probably because she was so open so quickly. All that stuff about her ex b/f beating the shit out of her really freaked me out. I almost wish I hadn't asked her about him. But, i'ts cool that she was so open with me about it -- especially considering how that was really the first time we had hung out/talked. Felt so terrible -- what can you possibly say? "Gee, sorry." Felt like an idiot.

Talked about Edith, too. I start to get upset about it now -- it's weird. When Mom told me, I was kind of detatched. Seems more real later, I guess. Tatiana noticed it, too. I guess you could say we shared uncomfortable moments. She's way cool, I really dig her. Easy to talk to, lots o'fun, too. "I think I'll keep her." She got to see Mark start to remove his mask. Felt good. Just need to relax, now.

Later -- Coffee makes me jittery. Yep.

1:00 P.M. -- even later ...

Waiting for some guy to take me to the DA. Whee. Just got done talking to Tatiana about informing everyone about my smoking habits. I feel like things are kind of strange between us, right now. Kind of like there is a wall that just got thrown up. I think she senses it, too. It's weird. I really hope this doesn't last for too long -- actually I hope it doesn't last at all. Hanging with her last night was so much fun, and she truly seems like a wonderful person. But the person I just talked to is not the same one I was with last night. I'd really like to have that one back. But, hell, I could also be imagining all this. It probably wouldn't be the first time I've invented some bullshit to worry myself over.

Now I don't have to go to the DAS. "Can you wait until Tuesday?" Yeah, I can. Just like I wanted to do originally. Oh well, can't really complain. Still feel kind of weird about Tatiana, though. I wish I didn't. I hope it goes away.

Is it cheesy to blog an old journal?

Then crown me cheese-boy. I decided to give my journals from when I lived in Bogota, Colombia an online home. I have kinda mixed feelings about this, but think I'll be glad to have done it in the end. Some of this is going to be hard to revisit, I think. Funny thing is, for all the time I spent down there (Five years), I only managed to keep two sporadic journals. So much for Good Intentions.

I moved down there in May of 1995, after taking a teaching position at a prestigious English Institiute (Centro Colombo Americano). What began as a One year contract turned into Five. I struggled with the decision to move down there, but it was reading Henry Rollins' tour journal with Black Flag, Get In The Van, that cemented my decision.

That book simply Destroyed me. I had moaned during college (like many of us do/did) about "struggling" and whatnot. The lads in Black Flag lived it. They did whatever they could to play the show. Henry lived and wrote about that when he was in his early 20's ... I was 23. When I saw that someone my age could make such a ballsy decision to Go For It, I made my own. I went for it.

I got to meet Henry earlier this year at a spoken gig he was doing in W. Palm Beach. I wrote him an email detailing my experience and how his book was such a Big Deal for me. To my surprise, he remembered the email and we spoke for a few minutes. He seemed appreciative that it was such an Important Book for me. Got a pic and he signed another book for me. I think I walked 6 inches taller for awhile after that.

I should write about that sometime.

What follows over the next few days/weeks/months will be my various journal entries from that time. Good or Bad, these are the years that defined who I am today.