7/28/95

Almost 5pm - my mood isn't very wonderful right now, either. This seems to happen to me alot. Really pisses me off. I mean, what the fuck can I do? It's become a pretty ugly fucking trend is all I can say.

Thought I was s'posed to (finally) go out w/Edgar, Claudia, and Yanira tonight. Looks like that's a bust, though. Only been talking about it for the past two months. Supposedly she (Yanira) talks to Claudia and talks about how hip she is on going out. This weekend was s'posed to be "fijo". Yeah, sure. Maybe tomorrow night. I doubt it, though. Just talked to George, and he's talking about goin' out for some beers. That may (or may not) turn into something interesting.

Listening to Pearl Jam right now. "Nothingman" is on. This is a way cool song. "And he who forgets, will be destined to remember." Think about it.

Thought about a lot of cool stuff that I wanted to write about yesterday. Wonder what happened to it. That's the weird thing about time - you can really never repeat it, you know? I mean, you can read a book again, watch a movie again. Listen to music again - but you can't truly relive the same moment. You can come close, and it may seem like the same thing. But I don't see how it can really be the same.

It's kind of like when I listen to my live Pearl Jam bootleg. Their set at Lollapalooza '92 was incredible. My parents were splitting up, my life was pretty much in the toilet at the time. And, as soon as those drums started playing "Why Go" at the beginning of the set, I was swept away. It just seemed so personal to me, I don't see how anyone else there could have had the same experience I did. That show really helped me big time. Listening to that bootleg really helps take me back. I can't relive the exact moment, but I can sure try.

Like during "Jeremy" -- raising arms and just screaming. That Manson show right before I came here to Bogota was the same, too. Even told Nitza not to pay too much attention to me. Yelled and screamed alot. Felt so good.

I'm not a violent person, I don't think. But I could use a real violent outlet. Is that a contradiction? Probably. I always think that I'm a pretty calm, peaceful person. But beating the shit out of something, someone would feel pretty good, I think sometimes.

Need a show. Need to thrash around. Need to scream. Need to let it out somehow. Tired of keeping it all in. Wanting is one thing. Needing is something else.

A few minutes later, just mentioned to Jack how much I want to scream out. Told him how it's all balle dup and just waiting to get out. I don't think he really understood that much. Can't really expect anyone else to understand, I guess -- although it doesn't really seem all that abnormal to me. Sometimes it does, though. I wonder what would happen if I didn't get to let i tout. Actually kind of scary, in a way. Could also be scary when it escapes. I guess I'm just scary.

Can I really be all that different than everyone else? Probably. I've come to realize (or at least starting to realize) that anything concerning me is possible. Expect the unexpected. I should put that on a shirt.

Jack wants me to go to the tienda with him. Why the fuck not.

7/25/95

Borrowed a pen from Sandra (Mafalda). Where the fuck is my black pen? In my level 2 class -- to the teacher's lounge!

In the lounge. Sam's listening to my discman and telling a story. More later.

Found my pen. It was in the pocket of my backpack. Right where I thought I left it. I must be blind. Even had my contacts in.

Started the new cycle yesterday. Teaching Course 1 from 6-8, 8-10, and Course 2 from 10-12. I was pretty sure I liked my students yesterday, but today I started to do actual REAL LIVE teaching, and I started to notice who the dumbshits are. I hope more pass than last time (half failed).

My course 2 has this incredibly hot girl in there -- Veronica. She's studied English before, a year in the Meyer. Seems to speak rather well. But, I can see how her "student personality" can be pretty annoying. But the main point is she's incredibly hot. Too bad she's my student. Gotta have ethics. HA!

I've made it through my entire lesson plan for the last two days. Incredible. I wonder if this is a trend that will continue. Doubtful, but I can always dream.

Seriously need to write some letters. I'm really missing my friends back in the States. My biggest nightmare is that I go back and they're not there. Need to write Bri and Piernick, especially. At least I have their addresses. Sucks that I lost my digital agenda with all my shit in it. I hope Nitza is getting a hold of people back home for me. With any luck at all, I'll be getting some letters back pretty soon. Only gotten one from Denise. She's too cool. Time to go meet George. Probaby write some more later.

7/3/95

Sitting at table in dining room. Just got done planning classes. Nitza got here yesterday -- pretty cool. Haven't written in awhile. Lots happened. No desire to relate.

Oh yeah, we (Nitza, J.C., Claudia, Andres, Pato) went to Monserrate today. Cool. Then, went to La Hacienda (a mall) for lunch. Actually saw Liliana there. We didn't say anything and neither did she. She was w/her boyfriend who bears an eerie resemblance to me. That dude stared the shit out of me, like I was gonna steal her away. Keep her chief, she's yours. Poor slob, I feel sorry for him. I mean, it really was weird how much alike we look. He even has a goatee. That's pretty kooky. Liliana doesn't look any different. It's pretty funny how much everyone (including myself) hates her. Bitch. She'll get what she deserves one day. Just think, in a city of over Seven Million People -- I run into her. Pretty amazing odds. This is one time I can actually say I beat the odds. Funny.

Today is my brother's 37th birthday. Haven't seen/spoken to him in almost exactly four years, now. Happy Birthday Mike - wherever you are.

6/23/95

In the teacher's lounge right now. haven't much felt like writing lately. I don't think there was anything exciting to relate. Phoebe's got fleas. Whoopee. Actually, feeling kinda down right now. Don't really know why. Things get kinda strange around here sometimes. "Office politics," I guess you could probably say. It's easy to say other people's opinions don't matter. But, they do. Like when certain people ask about my belly ring. They know it's there, they ask to see it, and then they freak out about it. Whatever. If you don't want to know, don't ask. It's kind of like that saying, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. Be careful what you look for, because you just might find it. Almost makes me think of when my Mom would rummage through my room. Still don't know what she thought she was gonna find.

Listening to R.E.M. - Fables of the Reconstruction. Not their happiest album.

12:40 PM

About 20 mins later. Just made a deal w/"Simba" on my own. Sitting on my own at the "usual" 1400 peso lunch pad getting ready for some "crema de pescado" soup. Doing shit on your own in a foreign country has a little satisfaction. Feeling a littel better than 20 mins ago. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

6/20/95 - Near U. Andes "near to heaven"

3:15 PM. Sitting ont eh same spot where Tatiana bugged out. Just sparked w/J.C. He's pretty calm, and all is right with the world.

6/18/85 - Girardot

Almost 8 PM. Read back my journal. My handwriting could sure use some improvement. This is kind of a hard book to write in. Oh well. Today was better than yesterday. Claudia's uncle, Alberto, is pretty fucking funny. We're driving into Melgar, and we hit a bunch of traffic. Anyway, this kid walks by and he's selling popsicles and shit. So, Albert asks:

"Hey, are those popsicles cold?"

"Bien frios," replied the little bastard.

"Oh, well forget it," he replies. "The cold makes our teeth hurt."

I don't think that kid knew what to think. We all laughed our asses off.

Hung out by the pool today. Swam, read, talked shit w/Hector and Teresa (the couple that owns this little casita we're staying in). Good people. The little kids don't know what to make of me, though. They're three and four. One asked Teresa, "Por que les gusta hablar con ese mono?" "Ese Mono" - "The Blond guy". Hilarious.

Alberto just brought me a beer. Really don't want it, but who am I to say no?

I have to lesson plan before I get back to Bogota, tomorrow. That kinda sucks. I have to admit, it's been pretty cool coming here this weekend. Started to feel a bit better about it after people started being a little friendlier. Figures, right?

I was thinking today. I got that "Warm Fuzzy" sheet back, where the other new teachers wrote something nice about me (we all had to do it). Really had some nice stuff on it. "Witty", "Funny", "Friendly", "Outgoing". Tatiana even said I was her favorite. I fall this is true - then why don't I feel that way about myself? It's almost liek they're talking about someone else, not me.

Never realized how cool that Concrete Blonde song, "Little Conversations" really was until after I wrote it down. Sounds good. Looks good too.

Feelin' pretty lonely right now.

6/17/95 - Girardot

Yeah, look this location up on a map. We're probably about 20 minutes (or lesS) from Melgar. Let's talk about heat -- It's fucking hot here. I'm dying. No lie. This heat is killing me, and I'll be here for another two days. I should've known. They're not too into air conditioning down here -- even in the places that need it the most. Like here, for example. Might go jump off a bridge tomorrow, though. That'll be cool. I was s'posed to try and get a hold of George today, but I left the phone number back in Bogota. I hope he's not too pissed. Watch me get back and find the number in my wallet. That would be just my luck.

Lots of things have happened, but haven't been able to get it down on paper. Like last Tuesday (the 13th. How prophetic. Here, Tuesday the 13th is the bad luck day). Only about half the training course makes it to get jobs. Which sucks. George didn't make it -- which kind of sucks except it WAS his own fault. At least he realizes it. Victoria didnt' make it, though - and that's really got some of us upset. She seemed to do everything right, but still didn't get in. We were all sitting around the teacher's lounge going in one by one to Patty's office. We thought we were all going for our class schedules, which I guess some of us were. I got two classes, which is more than anyone else got, but I had a bit of a hard time feeling good about it, considering everything that happened that day. I got home and told Cecilia and Jack, "I'm not a teacher, I'm a Survivor." I think that kind of sums it up. George and I went to hang w/Victoria a couple days later. She's pretty bummed about it. Can't say that I really blame her. Shit, she spent a month at that place only to get cast away. I hope I still get to see her, she's a really sweet girl.

Jesus, it's so hot here. I hope I can make it. I know how wimpy it sounds, but it's also not like I can help it. Your body tells you wehn you've had Enough.

Growing the goatee back. Not sure how I feel about it. I must be fucking crazy. I bitch, piss, and moan no matter what, it seems. Maybe I'm just overreacting.

Sitting here makes me think of shit that I miss. The one thing that tops the list right now are hugs. God, how I miss getting a hug. Besides the day I got here, I don't think I've gotten any. No, I take that back. The two times I've seen Giovanna, she's hugged me. As I've said before, she is definitely the Colombian version of Carolyn -- but not gay. Back to the hugs, I could really go for one right now. I feel like a complete wimp, but I really feel like crying right now.

I also really miss Nitza right now. Feel kind of strange writing that down, too. Fuck it, this journal is for me, not for anyone else. I need to definitely keep that in mind. I also kind of have an urge to go back and read this -- but I think that might make me feel worse. Fuck.

6/15/95 -- Rm. 208

My first day teaching by myself. 15 mins. to go. Going OK, I guess. A little nervous, but that's to be expected. Have them doing an exercise right now. Trying to kill a few mins. I think they can tell. Hope not. It's a second level class - same one I taught w/Sam. Even have two students from my other class w/Sam. Two of my fans that always stared and gave me a mango. Should be interesting. Hope they pass. One girl is way cute. Sandra. Yow! It's 7:30 AM. 15 mins to go.

6/14/95

Believe it or not, I'm sitting here in a Dunkin Donuts about a block from the Colombo. Weird. Not like in the States, though. Not open 24/7, and they serve complete breakfasts. I guess it's an even trade-off. Beck on the radio. "I'm a loser babyyyy ... so why don'cha kill me." Breakfast starts to arrive.

-- At the plenary. Line from Ed Stanford: "Every time you say 'yes', you also are saying 'no'." Deep.

6/13/95 -- Teacher's Lounge

7:15 AM - Returned students' final exam. Out of 21, 10 weren't very happy. Felt kinda bad about it. Some of 'em are really good students, was sure a few of them would have kicked its ass. Oh well. Sam said to get used to it, and he's right. It's nothing personal.

Hell, the guy I wanted to fail, passed -- although barely. Bastard.

You know I was thinking yesterday about the park by our house. Ever since the first tim I smoked w/Erwin that park has always seemed different to me. Speaking of Erwin, I should go -- gotta meet him for breakfast.

1:15 PM - Later

Gonna blaze w/George and Tatiana. More later.

6/12/95 -- Teacher's Lounge

Maybe it's me, but shitty weekends are becoming the rule, not the exception. Was s'posed to go out w/Edgar, Claudia, and Yanira this weekend, but that simply did not materialize. Edgar decided to get drunk, Claudia decided to get pissed -- and I just kinda hung out. Gettin' tired of just hangin' out.

Played basketball for a couple hours yesterday, as well. Legs were kinda sore afterwards, but feel OK now. Didn't play that well, but had fun anyway. Always next week.

Went out w/George, Victoria, and Tatiana last Friday. Drank some beer -- played sloppy quarters for the first time in years, too. Weird. Tatiana flipped on me. I guess she's not too into having her abuse thrown back in her face. Fuck her, I'm getting a little tired of her throwing shit at me and insulting me. She better shape up. George told me he thinks she's just trying to get my attention -- but I can think of better ways. We must talk.

Time to give the final. More later -- maybe.