July 22, 1996

Sitting in my conversation building class. This is a good group. Good class. Not too into it today, though. It's all I can do to not think of Haz. And in this class, I don't really have to teach. So, my mind wanders.

I keep imagining her on the bathroom floor. Who did this? Why? What happened?! I simply can't understand this. Alex just said, "I still don't believe it." Me either. The viewing is today. I'll have no choice then. I don't know how I'm going to handle this at all. I can still feel her hand from the last time I saw her. Which hand? For some reason it's real important to me now. Why aren't they important then? Human nature, I guess. Humans suck. If only we were more aware of things when they truly are important.

Alex says that they have two girls at the Fiscalia since yesterday. I guess they were with her. What does that mean? Alex says one of them supposedly watched her kill herself in the bathroom. But, they found no gun. WHAT HAPPENED?! That makes suicide pretty improbable. This whole thing seems so impossible. I actually slapped myself last night, trying to wake up from this nightmare.

Bell rang.

UPDATE: Alex is telling me those girls are suspects. They haven't been home since it happened. I want to torture whoever did this. For Haz. For Alex. For me. It jus getrs weirder. What's the REAL story?

July 21, 1996

I can't believe I'm actually having to write something like this. Hazbleydey was killed last night. I just can't believe this is happening or has happened. It all seems so unreal to me right now. She apparently went to a taberna last night with some other people and some guy just walked up and shot her in the head. Just like that. Didn't take anything. Just did it. And left. Some people were saying they thought they had some people (or person) in custody. But who knows if that was just gossip? This is just too incredible. I've never had to deal with anything like this before. And she's Alex's best friend. It breaks my heart to see Alex like this. Too many of her friends have been killed. The people at Alex's house were strangely subdued. Her friend Liliana was like a rock. She was like, "It happened. We have to accept it. It happened because it had to happen." No red eyes, nothing. Her cousin Ramiro was there, too. He had apparently been seeing Haz for about a month now. Alex was losing it, though. This is all just way too unreal.

We saw her last night, too. She was going to come over to Alex's and hang out with us. Or we asked her to. She said she couldn't, that she was tired and was going to go to sleep. We said goodbye and were gonna try and hook up with her today. I remember not wanting to go in and see her at first. But we did. It was only about five minutes or so. Did I hurry us out of there? I'm starting to think I did. God, no!

If I'd known then, oh Jesus I would've stayed all night until those people came over and asked her to go out. Why couldn't she have come over? She would've been safe. Everything would've been alright. She would still be here. Why? Why? Why? God, how grateful I am to have had that last hug. That last kiss on the cheek. That last squeeze of her hand. I just wish it wasn't the last time. She sent me a message on my beeper saying how happy she was to have such a special friend (American, no less), and things like that. Real nice. I wish I still had it saved. Always thought there would be others. Or actually, never though.

Alex and Liliana wondered whether or not this had anything to do with the people that took her and/or Haz's ex-boyfriend. Some said she committed suicide in the bathroom. Now the story about the guy with the gun. Either way, she's dead. That word. Final.

But why? What did she do? What REASON was there for God's sake? Haz was so sweet, so friendly, and so caring -- this just shouldn't happen. It's not supposed to.

I fucking hate guns. I fucking hate the person that did this to her. I hope he suffers. I hope he suffers forever.

I just can't seem to understand it. In fact, I still have the message Alex sent to my beeper. We had just left her house, and I was going to get a Colectivo. The drogueria that her family has was closed. We commented on it, and said, "I hope it's nothing serious. Oh, probably not." Alex thought maybe they overslept. (It was 12 or so). Now I also remember that Alex's grandfather remarked how the drogueria was closed 'cause we had asked him to have her beep me about hanging out today. I also recall wondering to myself why there wer epeople in front by the door to the house. That maybe there were asking about when it was going to open or something. I got the Colectivo, and Alex left. About halfway home, I got a beeper:

12:21 PM/4:Algo terrible paso con Hasbleydi llamame al 7765875 es urg. Alexandra.

I thought maybe her ex-b/f (I didn't know he was her ex) had beaten her up or something. I started to get angry about it. I called Alex from in front of the Colombo and she told me, "Mataron a Hazbleydy." It just seemed so unreal. I got in a taxi and immediately went back. It was the longest ride of my life. When I got to Alex's, she was out front with her grandfather and a friend, crying. "Why? Why didn't she come? She would've been safe." and on. Those people were still in front, and it was then I realized why they had been there.

Then in Alex's apartment when Liliana and Ramiro arrived they started to get calm and remember things Haz would say. And laugh a little. I was grateful for the break in tension. I cried there with Alex. To myself in the taxi coming back. Out loud in my apartment. Writing this. I have to go to the Velacion at 7. Don't want to. It's going to be too hard. Too real. They talked about when they were going to "entregar" her. Deliver her. That's so cold. Not even "take" or "bring" but "DELIVER". It's started to dawn on me that they've lost so many friends and relatives to violence like this that they have almost GOTTEN USED to it. Can't really blame them.

But not me. I'm not used to this. This has never happened to me before. It almost makes me want to leave.

Why is she dead? Did she really kill herself? Is that why she didn't want to come over? Is that why she said she was "going to bed." Then, did she go out, get very depressed after a few drinks and kill herself in the bathroom? If so, Why?

I can't believe that she's gone. It makes you realize how temporary things are. Cherish them. Tell people you love them. I hope Hazbleydy knew how much I really did (and do) love her. I am sure that she loved Alex. And also that she loved me. I'm starting to cry again. I love you Haz. Te quiero Haz. Espero q'nos veamos de nuevo y q'estes mejor que aqui. Me haces falta y te quiero. She didn't speak English. Alex said she was going to start studying at the Colombo. That would've been a trip. Seeing her every day. She was always so affectionate with me. From the first tim I met her. The only friend of Alex's that I could call my own. Liliana's never really liked me. And to see that drogueria with her name on it in front of Alex's will always make it more difficult. For everybody, I'm sure.

I've lost a friend. I saw her hours before she died. Maybe two or three. What were Alex and I doing then?

I have always loved and considered this to be a beautiful country. Today it became much uglier.

It's 5:38 now. Haz should have arrived at the funeral home by now. They said she was to be "delivered" by 5 PM. About 20 blocks from here. I don't know what time the funeral is supposed to be, but I assume it should be tomorow.

I'm trying to imagine if she felt any pain. Or what actually happened. Was she scared? Or was it all so quick that she didnt' know and it just happened? I hope it was the latter. I would hate to think of her final moments as being in pain and fear. Begging for her life. Please, no.

I need to get ready to go. I love you Haz. No, she doesn't speak English. Te quiero mucho, Haz.

6:34 PM

Just talked to Alex. They aren't going to "deliver" Haz until noon tomorrow. So I guess I'll have to go after work. The funeral probably won't be until Tuesday, I suppose. This is still too unreal.

7/11/96

July 11. 7/11. Seven-eleven. That great orange and green hope of convenience in the United States. What they really need down here are some 7-11's.

Students are taking exams today. In the Intro course, I had to kick out two students for cheating. Ironic considering the fact that you CAN'T FAIL THE FUCKING COURSE.

They don't know that, though.

Millos 3, America 0. Millos is at least sub-campeon. After Sunday, we'll know the final results of the Copa Mustang. Great game. Lots of fun. I needed that.

Looks like Hurricane Bertha is gonna skip FL after all. Thank God. One news report had it at 500 miles in diameter and winds around 115 mph. Fucking dangerous. They made Mom evacuate again. I discovered this while trying to call her yesterday afternoon. "Due to Hurricane Bertha, we are under mandatory evacuation. I'm in Orlando, and will return your call whenever I return."

This was not the way to find shit out. Especially in another country. No one, not even the embassy knew squat. When I went to the house before the game, I was needless to say, a bit stressed out. But Mom called the machine, and called the Higueras. Called the hotel she was at in Orlando, and found out the storm had just started to swing north and FL was out of danger. Made me think of the hurricane last year. Erin, I believe. I'm glad it's over. What was gonna be a pretty mellow week turned out to be a little stress monster. It's Thursday, though, and I think the worst is over.

Must get letters written to send with Laurie on Tuesday. Rent is today. Must pay rent. Must pay rent.

I have a cold too. I suffer so greatly.

Looks like I'm gonna team teach next cycle. This means either a) $90,000 pesos more for the cycle or b) 19 hours being made up. Need to think about this. Speaking of $, we were supposedly paid today.

Achoo!

7/03/96

Mike's 38th birthday. It's been five years now since we've spoken, and although he's just been a shit, I miss him. I wish I knew why he broke away from everyone. I wish I knew why he wanted this self-loathing that is so classically Mike. Yet, despite all this, I do feel a sense of longing for him. And I wonder where he is, what he's doing, what he's thinking. And why he's still being such a shit.

I'm look forward to taking a nice vacation in December. I think I deserve one. So strange how things have changed. In high school, wait all year to come here for a month. Now, I wait here all year to go back fo rjust under a month. I wonder if I 'll have some other kooky cycle that sometime. Must rent Amityville Horror tomorrow for class.

Happy Birthday Mike
Do you remember me on mine?
Do you wonder what I look like?
Are you curious to where I am?
What I'm doing?
Do you still care?

I do.

6/20/96

Sitting across the street from the Colombo and waiting for my lunch. Alone. Eating alone can sometimes really suck. Haven't done this i n awhile, but it doesn't really m atter because I'm fucking hungry.

My Bandeja Paisa is here.

June 17, 1996

Well, finally got a new notebook. Haven't done any serious writing since I was in the U.S. last December. Fresh start, i guess. Sitting in the living room (moved last March 6 to 'La Macarena') w/Jorge. There, it's finally started.