July 26, 1996

Today's Friday. It's been a few days since I last wrote. It's not for a lack of subjects, just a lack of motivation.

The funeral was on Tuesday, the 23rd. Didn't get to the funeral home until 8:30 or so. (I had to go to DAS in the morning and it took awhile). They closed the casket around 2:30 to bring her to the church. They had most of the people leave, while the family said Goodbye. Alex stayed. I gave Alex a picture of her and I in San Agustin, and wrote on the back, Haz, para que simpre estemos juntos. Te queremos and te extranamos. Alex said she put it over her heart. I'm glad she has it.

Then we went to the church. They took us in busetas. It was only a few blocks away. The service lasted for about 30 mins or so. Then we made teh 30-45 minute trip to the cemetery.

This is the part where I lost it. As they were carrying her in, they open the casket again to say Goodbye for the last time. Then, they put the casket in and buried her. With all of us there. Never seen anything like it in my life. I lost it. Alex was OK, until I did that. Shaking, crying, it was horrible. Thtat just demonstrated the finality of it. Then I just stared at her grave for awhile as the people slowly left. Quiet. Never seen 150 people (more or less, I swear she knew the entire city) so quiet. Said goodbye to her mom, Dona Elsa, and we left.

Something strange had happened with Dona Elsa these past few days. She knew who I was. She knew my name. I had only met her once. Alex says that Haz talked about me alot. That she loved me very much (Alex said, "Ella te queria mucho, Mark"). Makes me feel good, but it also makes it that much more difficult. So many things I wish I had said to her, and now I can't. So many regrets. I've done nothing but think abou ther since. I guess that's normal, though. I don't know.

Now, I'm sitting here, waiting for the play rehearsal. My mind is not on this at all. Black July. That's what this is.

Alex is going to the cemetery tomorrow. Her friend Richard's birthday is tomorrow. So she wants to visit him. And her Mom, and Haz. Says she wants to be with her now. I understand, but I don't know if I can do that right now. It's too soon, and I'm not sure I'm ready tfor that. Fuck, who knows? It still hasn't really hit me. I mean, I know it's happened and all, but I don't think the reality of it has hit me just yet. I'm sure it will, and I'm scared to death of when it does.

We still don't know the details of what happened. A student from 2-4 works in the medical part of the Fiscalia, and says she'll be able to say something today. I got the name of the girl who is supposedly in custody yesterday, and give it to her, too. That might help her give me more info, but probably not utnil next week. My team teacher, Michael, does classes with the police, and he's going to ask today, too. Again, I'll reiterate the fact tha tI never realized what a big deal it is to know the full story until it happened to me. I've just got to know. As terrible as it may be, but it'll give me (and everyone else involved) some closure. It's strange how that is. I hate to say it, but I never thought something like this would happen to me.

More importantly, I never thought anything like this could happen to Hazbleydy.

Wheeee ... time for rehearsal. Fuck.