7/29/04

Well, wound up going out with Andres, Claudia, J.C., and Claudia's friend Sonia Cristina last night. I remember Sonia from when I was here in high school. She's a sweet girl. Very pretty, too. Always seems to be smiling. Anyway, we finally find a place that'll let us in (it was late, and every place was pretty full). We drink a bottle of tequila. Claudia decides to get drunk and tell Sonia all about Nitza, how she loves her so much, and how much of a dick I was to her when she was here. How I didn't take advantage of the time she was here. Nevermind the fact, of course, that Sonia is more or less a total stranger. I seriously didn't appreicate Claudia talking shit about me like that with her. Didn't appreciate her talking shit about me, period. Then Claudia says, "Maybe I don't know everything." That's right, bitch, you don't. Shut the fuck up and pass out. They went to the bathroom and I told J.C. and Andres how pissed I was. They didn't seem to think I was wrong. J.C. wanted to me to talk to her, but not then since she was drunk and it wouldn't have really done any good. Didn't speak to Claudia for the rest of the night, and still haven't. I'm sure she told Sonia this to try and make me look bad enough to keep her uninterested. She was still cool to me for the rest of the night, anyway. HA. Fuck you Claudia. She doens't know about the shit that's happened with Nitza and I. I mentoned the bottle-throwing incident to J.C. and Andres. At least they understand why I can't drink with Nitza. Of course, if Claudia knew, she'd just say she doesn't believe me. Of course. Yeah, she's so perfect. Her relationship is so perfect. I've come to start thinking the past few weeks that Claudia is a bit too self-centered and selfish for my liking.

Yeah, she knows about trouble. About problems. Hard life she's had for the past 24 years, being fed, being taken care of. I fucking know hungry. I haven't struggle dnearly as much as alot of people, but I know what it's like to not know where your next meal is gonna come from. Or how my bills are gonna get paid. Or how the rent will be paid. She's a big Mom fan, too. Too bad she doesn't know how she can afford to buy a 200,000 dollar condo on the beach, yet couldn't send me 50$ to buy some groceries. "Gee, you look so skinny. Why don't you eat?" No money for food, Mom. Hey, how's that beachfront view? Don't mind that noise. It's just my stomach.

No, Claudia can't see or understand any of this. Why should she? Ignorance is a comfortable place to live. Bliss.

She doesn't know about during the divorce, the daily phone calls and all the shit. Nothing affects Mark. That's what people seem to think.

Yeah, the divorce is another thing. Mom acts so shocked. Yeah, sure it was a happy house. No one was happy. she knew it. She was the most vocal about it, for God's sake. The divorce didn't really surprise me. How it happened did, though. I guess it did, at least. Sometimes I think i can't really blame my Dad. I certainly couldn't have dealth with her for so fucking long. I have trouble dealing with her now. But I can't forgive him, and wouldn't mind taking a few year's frustration out on him. Am I a hypocrite?

Yeah, Nitza reminds me of my Mom sometimes, too. The martyr. Always suffers more than you. You think you've got problems? Shit, both of them have suffered ten times more than you have. What the hell are you thinking you stupid fuck? Shut the fuck up and make their wounds better, Now. Suffer for others' stupidity.

"I waited all day.
you waited all day ...
but you left before sunset ...
and I just wanted to tell you
the moment was beautiful
Just wanted to dance to bad music
drive bad cars ...
watch bad TV ...
should have stayed for the sunset ...
if not for me."

Later: Oh yeah, almost forgot. Was cleaning Phoebe's cage earlier today, and she knocks over a glass of water on my nightstand. Ruined my Concrete Blonde flyers and my littel portable alarm clock. I am not happy about this. Not at all. I'm trying to do cool shit for her, and she fucks my stuff up. I love her, but am not too happy with her right now. Can say the same about Claudia I guess. Andy Carvin turns 24 today.

Even later: just got back from hanging with George and his cousin. He wants to hang tonight, but I'd like to go out, and his cousin is only 15. Looks bad about going out tonight. Jack doesn't wanna. Haven't heard from Edgar today, so I doubt we'll be going otu with Yanira, too. Fuck.

Song lyric that keeps going through my head. "How can I keep myself away from me?"

Still haven't talked to Claudia, it's almost 8pm, and now she's not home. Probably wont' see her 'till tomorrow, now. I am such a fuckup.